I actually sat down last Friday and wrote this on Facebook. I wanted to make a video but I could not get through it without breaking down. There is a lot that I want to say that I simply can't physically say. The long list of embarrassing moments that I've been through the last year is unimaginable and I try to ignore that they even happened.
Do you see the photo of my hand? I was nearly dead in the first one. Let that sink in for a moment. I was almost dead and there was nobody with me but my wife and my son. Seeing this photo and taking my last "Chemo Sized Dose" of chemotherapy in front of me at the same time put me into a moment of clarity where I could actually put words together in a way that I wanted to share them. So I'll share those with you.
1 Year. Tonight I finish Year One of chemotherapy. The good news, it works! The bad news, it has not and will not cure me. But as of tonight I will have taken my last "Chemotherapy Level Dose" of my medication. Starting next week I get to lower it to a dose that is just off the border of Chemo Dosage, but I'll continue essentially with Chemo.
As 1 year has passed and as I look at my medication in front of me, I have time to reflect as a lot of thoughts go through my mind. So many thoughts that I wanted to produce a video instead, in classic Clint Darden style, but I don't think I could "keep it together" long enough to do so. As I reflect I think about everyone that has had my back and has supported me.
MY FAMILY! From my wife and son, to my mother, father, and sister. To my extended family, in-laws, and my family in Cyprus, I know that you are always with me. Not behind me but WITH me. That is what family is and I really appreciate it more than you will ever know. The last year (s) have brought many scares into our lives and I'm still here. You are too.
But it is my "Friends" that digs deep inside of me. Not only do I have a very small select group of Core Friends that always have and always will be Core Friends but we are the kind of friends that could go months or even years without talking and we would pick up our conversation just like we had seen each other yesterday. And some have went out of their way to contact me daily over the last year because THEY KNOW that I'm lonely and scared and that I need someone just to listen to ME talk about ME. You all know who you are, and Thank You.
And it is my group of "Friends" on a different curve that sits deep into my heart. The friends that haven't contacted me in over a year, almost to the day that I began Chemotherapy. The ones that haven't come to visit me even once. The ones that haven't sent a text message or replied to mine. The ones that didn't accept my handshakes or my hugs when I offered them. Even the friends that have went out of their way to threaten me, to try to bring fear into me, my family, my home, and to the rest of my friends...yes. Yes, I love each and every one of you. I think about each of you almost daily and I wonder what I have could have done to make things work out better. Yes, I miss you, no matter what I did, no matter what you did, no matter what. Each of you know who you are, and I love you.
If I am not the best of Friends material, it might just be that I have bigger things to think about in my life than most. Yes, I show almost no emotion at any point outside of being with my son, my wife, and during training...because that is almost everything that I have left. The quality of my life has been greatly threatened by my health and that takes priority over anything or anyone else that may come into my life. Even you. Without my health, I have nothing else. I don't get to have my son, my wife, my family, my friends, or even YOU. My concerns about ME are priority number one.
So if I am not always the best friend to you. If I am not always easy to be friends with or filled with excitement to talk with you...it might not be you. It might just be that I'm exhausted, concerned about me and my family, or I might just be a little scared about the situation that I am in. I might just not have time to be in the middle of your life because I'm stuck in a tough situation of my own, and I can't let you make it worse.
So, cheers. He is to one year completed and another hopefully long road ahead of me.