This all started when I read this question:
Hey Dave,
Since I started lifting, shaved my head, and gained 90 lbs, my wife says that I look just like you. Now she can't keep her damn hands off me and is very jealous of all the extra female attention. How would you suggest that I deal with this situation?
—Otto
Here We Go...
What was I to do? There was no doubt that this guy needed help. So I decided to answer his question so that more people could take advantage of the advice. It was a great question and a huge problem that many of us have had.
If you're offended with sexual discussions, go read something else.
Don't we try our entire lives to get laid? Many would agree, and many have written about how everything that we do is because of this. We all know that being fat and bloated is the best way to increase your sex life. Not much has really been written on this because society is all about getting people laid less so that they can sell more sex pills and porn. I'm not even going to mention the political side of all this.
This is why you don't see fat people in the media. They (the skinny powers that be) want to show and promote lean and thin attractive people to keep their sponsors happy. However, they know from research that this leads to less sex in society. It's hard to spend money when you're on a joyride.
Additionally, once the drive hits you, do you seriously go shopping for anything other than flowers or any other item that will help the cause? Think about it. How many flower advertisements and commercials do you see? This is because flowers get people laid. Hmm...
Don't believe me? Just look around, and you will see that people have sex much less now than years prior. Hell, now we even have pills to get hard and pills to stay hard, and porn is a billion-dollar industry.
Do I need to list more reasons?
If they did put fat, bloated people in the media, we would all be humping like rabbits. We already have a huge immigration problem, so could you imagine what the outcome would be? Think about it, all day, everyday, news, fake news, ads, and whatever else. You think we have a gas problem now? What about unemployment? Health insurance? Interest rates? Think of what would happen with a growth rate like this?
Scary.
There's close to zero tongue dancing in the schools anymore. Years ago, we got pissed at the couple tongue blocking our lockers but figured screw it—good for them. Now, those students would get expelled from school, and I'm sure a few lawsuits would be filed. This is designed to teach them at an early age that intimate contact is very bad. Yet, a fight breaks out in the hall, and each kid is sent back to their rooms.
*Disclaimer: The only sex that I'm referring to is martial sex, not that nasty premarital sex that ends up costing society billions. Come on, guys. This is why we have prostitutes.
Sorry, went off track for a minute…
Now you know "the secret." (Or shall I say the "real secret" because if all you did was think about sex as your way of using the law of attraction, you'd spend many minutes in a chair watching PornHub . However, if you get super bloated, chicks will be all over you like flies on crap.)
Now on to your problem…what do you do when your wife wants more than you can give? The timing of this question is perfect. I had this mastered a couple years ago and then decided to get lean. Yes, I lost my focus but really did think it would help me get more. Well, I was already getting a ton but figured this would make me open to more positions, role-playing, and other sex games.
As I lost weight slowly, the sex began to decrease. I'd say I lost a quarter poke with every pound. It was hardly noticeable at first, but before it was all over, I knew something was up. I went for weeks with no rooting. Now that I've gained a ton of weight back and got my bloat back on, I'm having a tough time dealing with the constant body slamming. However, I do remember the tricks of the trade from years back. Riding a wife is much like riding a bike. You never forget.
Here's the deal, the catch 22. You have the bloat and more sex than you can handle, but the very thing that is causing this attraction is messing up your game. You see, you're trying to play the game as you did when you were unbloated. This won't work.
In the top position, your triceps are too pumped, messing up your bench. In the bottom position, your hips lock up, and your hamstrings cramp if the position is held incorrectly. With doggie style, your lower back is beyond functionally pumped. Oil and lube are just messy overkill because you'll be sweating so much anyhow. (Tip: Get her some swimming goggles. There's nothing worse than a bead of sweat in your eye at the moment of ecstasy. Plus, it will show that you care.)
Then there are the issues of foreplay. If your neck disappears into your chest and your head is a beach ball, do you seriously think that you can give her oral sex? Not to mention the CPAP. Hell, your training partners have been telling you for the past 12 weeks to pull your damn head up when you squat. If you can't do it, you sure as hell aren't doing it in bed. Additionally, this will lead to her verbally cueing you with "head up," "head up," "head up." While this may work, it sends mixed messages. These cues will put your mind back under the squat bar, leading to increased arousal and an aggressive state of mind. Then again, maybe she likes that. You can still do without the excessive trap pump, which will only screw up your next bench workout.
The same holds true for manual stimulation. If you can't twist your hand to collect your change at the drive-through, just how good do you think your finger flicking will be? Granted, you have Shrek fingers, and she's already on edge from your bloat, but is this really worth messing up your deadlift grip? I think not!
There are ways around all of this, and I'm working on my new e-book web page to sell my new manual, How to Gain Weight and Get Laid. However, I can't figure out how to highlight my text, and I'm not yet bloated enough for the after picture. Plus, all the testimonials are from my friends, but they're afraid that their girlfriends will find out they're married.
Because I like you, I'll give you the following tips for free. These represent a small fraction of what you will get with How to Gain Weight and Get Laid, but it will be enough to get you started. I know these will work for you and provide you with the best sex of your life. How do I know this? I know this because they have worked for me (well kind of). They haven't been used by anyone else, and zero studies have been done. My friends will say that they have read it and used the principles, but they never did. I bought them a six-pack and all was good. In time, they will do the same for me.
If you need more proof, you're crazy! Ay Okay, put your lube away and get ready for horizontal jogging like you've never had before, bonking that won't mess up your training, unreal ecstasy, arousal like you've never had before. No more crazy back pumps. No more missed lifts. You'll be able to last for three minutes! No messy cleanup, plus much more. For now, just know that it will no longer be about keeping up but leading the way. But first I have other stuff to do around here to pay the bills.
Positions That You Should Never Do
First, I have to thank everyone for the thousands of email responses about my upcoming manual, How to Gain Weight and Get Laid. I'm so excited about this project that I've decided to reduce the content and double the price! What a deal! It just doesn't get any better. Where else can you get nothing for something? And when I say nothing, I really mean nothing!
This manual will be loaded with 18-point fonts and so much white space you'll feel like you're looking at a dry erase board. I'm so excited about this new and exciting concept because it has never been done before. You see, I'm the very first one to come up with it.
No! No! No!
This hasn't been around for years. It all starts with me right now. I'm the man, and I know all. If you think it was around before and can prove it, know this—they ripped it off of me because I am the man.
Not only is the format new generation, but the content is out of this world. There will be chapters on:
Positions that you should never do
Positions that you should do
Accommodating resistance
Intensification techniques including tempo, rest-pause, force reps, and negatives
How to go it alone (no partner = no problem)
How to gain weight during the act
And I've included eight killer bonus sections, with one covering how to know what the best supplements are to use. The others you'll have to wait for.
Now, here is the real-world truth.
This information is so great that I'll give it to you for free in my own FREE Blog. Please remember that this isn't my blog or some other made-up name like fog, dog, klog, rlog, or even zlog. My Blog is the real deal. Many times I forget to post, and most of the time, I just write the crap that I did in the gym that day. When there is a post, it's of no real value at all. This is what makes it so great. If there isn't any value, you know that something special is going on. What better place to post this new exciting, earth-shattering information that I invented?
I know I don't have the most jacked snake in the grass. I also know that I'm not even close to breaking my PR of 2:43 in the sack. But whoever said that you have to be great at what you do to write a manual and give advice? As far as that goes, whoever said that you even have to be good? All I need is some free time and a computer, and I am the next Dr. Ruth.
Orgasm, money shot, ejaculation, climax, ejaculate, jizz, pleasure, gasm, the meaning of life, bliss…I know the words, so that's all the validation you need. I told you. I am the man!
Now, let's get it on!
These are the top ten positions that you should never do if you have the bloat on.
10. The Lotus: Most of you will make this mistake. You'll try looking for something a little different and think that this is a good option. However, you're wrong. What makes you think that you can even cross your bloated legs? Hell, man! You can't even squat to parallel without a box to sit on, knee sleeves, a ton of mobility shit, and CBC oil, rub, lube, spray, drops, tabs and vapes.
If you do get in position, you also have to remember you're a bloated slob and weigh about 40 lbs more than you should. Your butt will sink in the bed much more than any bench that you've ever heaved up in your life. Especially if you use one of those special Instagram online discount code beds. If this wasn't enough, you're going to try and place your wife in your lap? Are you kidding me? Remember the last time you tried to carry a keg? Remember something getting in the way? Namely, your big ass bloated belly. She will love this position until she realizes that she is humping your ankle!
There is no way that you will make the connection. With your bloated thighs, you would need a 24-inch cock to pull this off, not to mention a mid-back burn comparable to five-minute sets with the SS Yoke Bar.
9. Tonkin Delight: You may be wondering what this is. Remember though, I'm the expert here, and if you don't know, too bad. Do a search on the web. I can't be expected to explain every damn thing. Additionally, most of you are flat out as dumb as rocks. Remember the JM press? This was one effortless movement that no one seemed to get so how in the hell do I expect you to understand something as complex as the Tonkin Delight?
If you do know, here is my advice. Do not do it! Let me point some stuff out to you about your flexibility. Chucks! Need I say more? There isn't any side knotting the Chucks. You have to tie these in sets of seated good mornings. I've seen you, and I've been there. You take a massive breath of air and drive down to try and get half of the shoe tied. That's after you spent five minutes kicking the shoe around in an attempt to get your foot in it. If you're excellent, you can get the shoe tied in four or five drops.
One other point, if you drop something on the floor, what goes through your mind?
1. Oh, I will bend over and get it.
2. How badly do I really need it?
3. It is gone for good.
4. I'll ask someone else to get it.
5. I'll start kicking it around looking for some kind of ramp to kick it up.
If you answered number one, you really need to start putting some mayo on the sandwich. Maybe…and I mean perhaps …you'll be able to pull this position off if you have been doing all of your reverse hypers.
But we know the truth.
Besides, who knows what is growing on the bottom of your feet? You haven't clipped your dirty ass nails in decades. I'm sure your wife will thank me for putting this one on the list.
8. The Chair: This is another one that you will think you can pull off. If you're lucky, you just may be able to do it. So this isn't so much a warning as it is just some good solid advice.
If you do decide to try and master the chair, here are a couple tips to help you out. Keep your feet flat on the floor. Make sure that you're sitting back with your back arched, your head up, and your knees out. As Ed Says says, "Open the taint" This makes more room for her to back into and keeps your back from locking up.
Keep your hands behind her. Don't do any of that reach around crap because all it will do is twist your back. We all know that the worst thing in the world to do is twist while at the bottom of the squat. Remember, you're raw here with zero support. With this in mind, I highly suggest that you invest in a pair of Metal briefs (cut a hole in front for…well you know) for this position. This will do a few things. It will keep your hips supported so that you can keep your knees out, and it will help keep your back arched. It will also save all of the brown ass sweat from soaking into your best lazy boy chair. One added bonus here is that you can eat without her knowing. This will be covered in future chapters and is otherwise known as Costanza Chomping.
7. The Grip: Good luck with this one. This is just stupid. Your knees will be wrecked, our back will be cramped, and your belly will get in the way. All I can say is remember the kneeling squat? Are you still doing them? Huh…
6. The Wheelbarrow: Who in the hell even does this? Seriously? This is like BigFoot, the LochNess Monster, Blackbeard's ghost, or the pendulum wave. Out of all the options available, why in the world would you want to suffer from this hell?
We all know Louie has said that anything over pin three will just mess up your deadlift. This is definitely well over pin three. We also know that biceps work is pointless and will only lead to more biceps tears (I read it somewhere). I just don't see the point of this at all. We have a rickshaw that we can do the same exact training with. Then we don't have to worry about bending the cock backward with every wrong shrug.
5. Humpbacked Bridge: I want to see you even try!
I bet you're just dying for the next five, but you know what—I'm too much of a prick to give them to you. You'll have to wait for the manual that I have spent my life working on. Did you really think that I would give it all to you for free? This information is worth thousands of hours of my time. I have spent thousands of dollars on research and have suffered more cock pulls and bends than I can count. I have paid my dues, and now I am willing to give it all to you if you order within the next 24 hours.
But first…let me tell you about these tremendous additional items that you'll receive. Crap! I'd better finish the manual first. But please note—I've already completed all the other things. I have e-condoms, e-dongs, e-thongs, and e-bators.
Positions of Least Exertion
Are you ready for the most tantalizing guide on bloated sex ever created?
Are you sick of seeing your bench press numbers crushed because of overtrained triceps?
Have you considered how great sex could be without the insane lower back pump?
Would you like to feel pressure building somewhere other than your hip flexors?
Do you really enjoy sleeping in brown-streaked sheets?
Chances are, you've heard about the secrets of bloated sex before but have never experienced the ecstasy for yourself. While the training in this guide is based on raw projections, the laws of bloated sex are universal.
Ten universal laws of bloated sex
The tighter the gear, the better.
You must know how to jack up your gear for the best performance.
It will take longer to get it off than on.
If two people can help you get it off, the better it will be.
If you aren't very experienced, it's best to wrap up before warm-ups
If it takes a broomstick to get it off, don't be ashamed. Embrace it.
There may be times that you need to get it, stretch it, beat it, and use slippers to get in.
Just because something is the rage doesn't mean that it will work the best.
Alterations are always an option.
This is it. This is what I've been getting all of the emails about for the past three weeks. It seems that the word has got out, and everyone wants to know the top ten positions for the best-bloated blastoff.
Put down your salt shaker and phenylbutazone because you'll want to keep your eyes open for this. Wipe the sweat off your head, take care of that zit on the back of your neck, and wash your catcher's mitts. Things are going to get serious real quick and digging in the chalk box too soon will get you three reds. Um, sorry...depends on the federation. The front judge can't call chalk.
These positions cum in no specific order because we all have different genetics, use different gear, and pump in different weight rooms. Some of us also like our sex naturally clean, and others want to do it dirty while getting poked anywhere that it will fit. This is just the way it is in the small world of bloated sex.
I must remind you not always to believe what you read on forums. Most of the posters have never been bloated in their lives. They have no idea what it feels like when your balls go numb sitting in a movie theater. They don't know the pain of watching the world go by in widescreen format because your eyes won't open all the way. These bloat posers just like to stir the fat and watch as we try to do the things that they criticize. There is no way that it will touch my belly regardless of how hard I pull it. Who the hell wants it going parallel anyhow? I want my shit standing sky high and ready for the rack.
The Scandinavian
Official description*: The woman kneels astride her partner with her back to him. He holds her waist and thrusts while she slides up and down on top of him. The woman's hands are free to play with her partner's scrotum while his are ideally placed to caress her bottom.
Swollen description: With any position, there are pros and cons. First, this is an excellent choice because your partner is looking away, allowing you to put away a few fudge rounds and 22-ounce chocolate milk. You also get a great view of the action—that is if you can see over your bloated gut and if your CPAP doesn't get in the way. As you watch her hair sweep from side to side as she screams in ecstasy, make sure to note that she is really eyeballing the pictures of Bartley and Aichs that you have taped to your wall.
Overall, this is an excellent choice because there's little work on your part, and you can get in a few hundred extra calories.
Hopscotch
Official description*: The man kneels up and penetrates his partner, who is lying on her back with her feet against his chest. He controls the thrusting while his partner has her hands free to wander all over his body. There is intense penetration.
Swollen description: This one is great for avoiding lower back pumps! You just lean against your partner's feet, taking all of the stress off the lower back. Sure, there's some work that you'll have to do, but think of this like leg pressing and squats. If you have a lower back pump from hell, squats are a nightmare. However, when you have your back supported as you do with the leg press, you can pump away for explosive gains.
Now, don't get creative here and pull a leg out like you're doing a hip flexor stretch. You can't do this in the gym, so it isn't happening here. Keep to the basics, and remember that there are no M&M's between those toes so leave them the hell alone.
This has an added bonus if you have a weak deadlift lockout. If this is the case, you already know that you have weak glutes. Sure, you can bring this up in the gym, but what good will that do? How much pleasure can you provide with schoolboy hips? There is a solution borrowed from the lightened method. Wrap a band around her traps and upper back and over your torso so that it rests just around mid-ass. This will allow for deep fiber penetration, fast concentric contractions, and atomic minimaxes.
Straight Down to It
Official description*: The woman lies on her back with her legs open while her partner lies between her legs and enters her. Both partners' hands are free to touch and caress each other. The woman, in particular, can stroke her partner's back and buttocks. This is an elementary position for intimate lovemaking.
Swollen description: This is also known as the missionary position, or in our world, "the hamstring cramp." This one really shouldn't be on the list, but like the bench press, many do it and ask about it, so it has to be included. There's really nothing good about this one. You can't last long, your back gets pumped, your hamstrings cramp, your triceps get trashed, and you never know where to look.
With bloated sex, we have to make this part of the entire training program. Here's what you do. This position will be done on your bench days (after your workout) as an extra workout. You'll need a light band to do this. Wrap the band around your back while keeping one end in each hand. While in the top position, hold for a 10-second count and then drop halfway down. Go up for another 10-second count and explode back to the starting position.
For the best results, do eight sets of three repetitions, making sure to change your grip every few sets. I suggest saving the close grip until the last set when your partner is in the moment. She won't take well to your palms digging into her forehead unless she is ready for it. After your eight sets, go ahead and drop down and lay on your partner.
We all know how they like 300 lbs of bloat on their frames. This is the best time to drop your head by hers so that your lips are right next to her ear. Tell her about the $300.00 you just dropped on a new bench shirt. Make sure to hold on tight because this ride is about to get interesting. This could very well be the best-bloated sex you will ever have.
The Hot Dog
Official description*: The man lies on his back, with his partner on top of him, face-up, leaning on her elbows behind her. Her knees are bent, and her feet rest on his knees to allow him to enter her and control the movement with his hands on her hips. The woman pushes her pelvis into him and angles it to allow deeper penetration. This is ideal as a transitional position.
Swollen description: This one is great for your partner because it will remind her of doing crunches on a stability ball. It's great for you because it teaches you one tremendous skill needed for lifting big weights—pushing your belly out.
With her on top of you, expand and push your belly up as high as you can. This will put her in a better position for maximum stimulation, and it will pay off the next time you place your bench shirt on and need to fight to get the weight down.
Belly up, belly up, belly up! This is what you should instruct her to say. Moaning and dirty pillow talk are excellent, but it won't help you touch big weights! If she is up for costumes, you can wear your bench shirt and belt and chalk her up real good. You must make sure to cock lockout if you want to see the rack again.
Spooning
Official description*: The couple lies curled up side by side. The woman pushes her hips into her partner and wraps her legs around his so that he can enter her more easily. During sex, the man's hands are free to caress his partner's breasts and clitoris as he takes control of the movement. This is a straightforward, gentle position that both partners should find equally stimulating.
Swollen Description: Now, this is a bloated masterpiece. Your back won't get crushed, you won't get any cramps, you can eat if you like, and you can still see the television. There are no other suggestions or limitations on this one. This one is rock solid.
For the remaining top ten and the best of the best, you'll have to wait for the manual.
*Official names and descriptions are taken from www.sofeminine.co.uk.
I am HOWLING. When can I buy the coffee table book?