Contest prep phases are to marital and relationship problems what bacteria is to a petri dish. The stresses of dieting and the rigors of more frequent training and cardio will add fuel to an already hot fire. Any problems in a relationship will grow and magnify during the demands of prep.
Though I have been a bodybuilding competitor and worked in the industry for decades, I have also managed to stay happily married for over thirty years while raising four kids. Not only do I know a thing or two about contest prep, but I have also learned more than a few things about how not to get divorced. Admittedly, I had to learn along the way. I got a lot of things right, and I got a lot of things wrong. I am here today to give you some pointers because winning a show or even a pro card at the expense of your relationship is pretty short-sided and a bit selfish. It is the old adage, "Succeeding is not much fun if you are standing there all by yourself at the finish line."
And let's get one thing out of the way from the start: Quit blaming your spouse for all the problems during your prep phase. It is rare not to have a supportive spouse who wants you to succeed. Even if you are in this situation, you play a part in having chosen a partner who is not on your team. Healthy relationships support success for both people. Plus, you can't blame your partner for not being supportive if you're an asshole to be around. Make no mistake, though, I have advice for the non-competitive partner, as well, in a moment.
The Competitor
My advice for the competitor is simple: You chose this endeavor; your partner did not. Competing is entirely voluntary, and if you want your spouse on board, do not be an asshole. Instead, be aware of your stressors and ask yourself if it would be ok for your spouse to be cold and insensitive if they had a bad day at work. If you do not want to be on the receiving end of it, do not put your spouse on the receiving end of it.
Your spouse is not hungry. You are.
Your spouse is not feeling low on energy and likely is not irritated with everything you say on a daily basis. You are.
Your spouse does not have a myriad of things to get done every day that revolves only around them—e.g., preparing meals, training, cardio, supplements, tanning, low energy, and low sex drive, and eating meals on time every two hours. Do not hate them because they want to eat pizza like a normal person. They ARE normal. We are the weird ones who are wired differently.
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It does not matter if your partner has been through this numerous times with you before or if they are just now going through it for the first time. If you are not pleasant to be around, "prepping" is not a very good excuse to be shitty. Show some level of understanding that when you are not very talkative, they might think you are mad or irritated. When you do not show much interest in sex, they might feel you are not interested or turned on by them. If you put the shoe on the other foot, I am sure you can imagine this would not be a very good feeling. Too many of us seem to struggle with putting the shoe on the other foot. If we did, we would have a better understanding of how the other person feels.
Your trainer does not want to hear about how your spouse does not understand and is a "bitch" or an "asshole." If you want to see who the bitch or asshole is, check the mirror; there might be one looking back at you. As a trainer (and competitor), hearing someone speak disrespectfully of their spouse is off-putting. Do not put your issues on your trainer because, after the show, we will see you kissing your spouse's ass when you realize how crappy you treated them during your prep.
The Non-Competitive Partner
I would be remiss not to give the partner some advice as well. As I stated earlier, it is rarely a one-way street. When the competitive partner is short or is not very talkative, this is usually due to a lack of energy. It may not have anything at all to do with being mad or irritated with you, even though it could appear that way on the surface. Relationship issues are rarely "surface" issues. It is everything underneath that is important.
Though the non-competitive partner did not agree to the "deal" of the competitive partner prepping for a show (how many people actually discuss and ask their partner whether they should compete or not?), they are absolutely involuntarily along for the ride. Kids are along for the ride, as well, and no kid cares that their parent is going to compete, win a show, or turn pro. Kids just want attention from their parents; they want to have fun, eat pizza, and drink Sunny-D (or whatever the kids drink these days; I am old).
Because the spouse is along for the ride, my best advice is to make the best of it by being supportive and as understanding as possible. This does not include allowing your competitive spouse to treat you like shit. Still, some understanding goes a long way when discussions become boring and repetitive about how their weight is not falling, and they feel fat, while three hours later, they are again happy with their condition and feel they are on track. Yes, it is a rollercoaster ride, but you love your spouse, and sometimes spouses have different interests and motivations. Bottom line: make a solid attempt to be supportive because, after the show, your competitive partner will go back to their usual self.
Love and Understanding
As a competitor myself, I feel for the spouses who are not "swolemates." They are typically referred to as "They just do not understand what it is like." Unless it is your first show, they almost certainly do understand it because they have dealt with it before. They live with you and likely know you as well or better than you do. Your partner sees your insecurities, and they see you doubting yourself on an almost daily basis. They see you acting or thinking you are better than they are because you are a competitive bodybuilder, and somehow, you think you should get a pass for your behavior. That would be akin to a drunk not understanding why their spouse does not tolerate their abusive behavior. It is really no different.
Whether you suck to be around during prep or not, my best advice is to treat your spouse to some fun after the show(s). They sacrificed through your prep by not going out for dinners with you or doing fun things that you normally do when not prepping for a show, and they put up with far more than you will ever recall once the show is done.
After you receive your fourth-place trophy in the novice division and post motivational quotes on IG for two weeks, be sure to take them out and treat them to the fun they did not have while you were pursuing your arguably selfish goals of competing. Have some laughs and spend some money. Hell, spend a LOT of money if you need to because it is far cheaper than paying a divorce attorney and ending up with half of everything you own—Just Sayin'.
BIO
Ken “Skip” Hill has actively participated in the sport of bodybuilding for almost forty years, competing for twenty-plus years. Born and raised in Michigan, he spent 21 years calling Colorado home with his wife and their four children. Four years ago, he and his wife traded the mountains for the beach, relocating to South Florida. His primary focus is nutrition and supplementation, but he is called upon for his years of training experience, as well. He started doing online contest prep in 2001 and is considered one of the original contest prep guys (when the bodybuilding message boards were still in their infancy). Skip’s track record with competitive bodybuilders is well-respected, and he also does sport-specific conditioning, including professional athletes.
