How Joe Rogan Saved My Life

“Good Googly Moogly!”

—Joey “Co Co” Diaz, Comedian

This article reads like the scene from the movie “This Is the End” (Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, James Franco) where upon realizing they are in the middle of the apocalypse, Seth Rogan approaches Jay Baruchel and says, "Let’s do all the drugs."

"No, I don’t really want to," Baruchel responds, casually taking a big slug from his can of soda.

"Should have thought of that before you drank a whole can of ecstasy," Seth Rogan replies, brandishing his trademark giggle.

From Baruchel's newly altered perspective, the room transforms into psychedelic Gangnam Style!

Eh – Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style

Eh – Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh

Buckle your seatbelt. This is a drive with a destination to nowhere.

October 2012 (the year is correct, 2012)

Try and keep up. I know I’m skipping through time at a fast and furious rate, because much like Vin Diesel (and Matt Mills, think Lightning Fitness) that’s how I live my life: a quarter mile at a time.

I’m alone in my one-bedroom apartment in North Dallas, Texas. The family remains in Connecticut; Mrs. Eggers is tying up loose ends (liquidating real estate, closing bank accounts), and the kids are completing their respective school years. They are preparing to join me in the Lone Star State.

I’m feeling lonely, but I’m trying to demonstrate some discipline, so laying on the floor, I’m banging out sets of one-arm dumbbell floor presses. I don’t need a spot, but I can work reasonably heavy because if I get stuck and can’t complete the rep, I can just dump the weight on the rug. Fuck it; it’s an apartment, right?

Photo via podcasts.joerogan.net

If you discount Walter White, Joe Rogan is my only company when I’m not working the day job. More specifically, The “Joe Rogan Experience” Podcast. Some of you will remember Rogan as the host of the television show Fear Factor, but most of you probably know him as the UFC’s main color commentator. He’s a fanny-pack-wearing comedian and served as a virtual friend at a time when I need him most.

"The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast "– from the sublime to the ridiculous.  If you can, make it a part of your life. It's always on in the background in my Dallas hovel.

But it’s not just Rogan, its Rogan plus various DeathSquad comedians, as well as many interesting guests. To name a few, Joey “Co Co” Diaz, Duncan Trussell, Ari Shaffir, Brian Redban, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brody Stevens, and the always attention-seeking Bryan Callen. The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast #424 with Brody Stevens may be the funniest ever. Brody casually mentions he may be ten percent gay. Listen to it (unless you are easily offended). You’ll have to trust me.

Saturday, May 4th 2013

I’m out of the apartment, but still alone in Texas.

Twelve four-foot by six-foot rubber horse stall mats rest peacefully in the driveway in front of what was to become Beast Texas – the hardcore training facility in one of the garages of my new residence. If you’ve not had the pleasure of manipulating these monsters, you’re not missing out. They easily weigh 100 pounds each, easy to manipulate for a once-powerful-man such as myself, but definitely not a job for the work-phobic. These equine mats do, however, serve as resilient gym flooring valiantly protecting bars, bells, cement, and plates.

I grab the lip of the first mat, stand on the pile, approximately a foot off the ground, re-secure my grip, and drag the first mat into the garage bay, carefully stepping off the mat pile. I deftly position it in the back corner of the garage and double-check my measurements. I return to the pile with the intent of repeating the process. Once again I claw the top mat and perch atop the pile to facilitate a better grip, yet somehow in that short time span, I forget I'm standing on top of the pile. I step back, expecting to meet ground that isn’t there. My ankle twists and I fall backward, landing hard on the aggregate cement driveway, smacking my head with the impact of a twelve-to-six elbow. On the way to the ground, I inadvertently pull the horse mat over the top of me where it restslike a tar blanket.

Alone in Texas, injured in my driveway, I'm fading out — about to lose consciousness. Then I hear a melodious voice call me back awake. The voice infuses me with the strength to pull myself back to my feet where I hobble to safety.

It was the sweet and familiar voice of Joe Rogan.

Wednesday, March 5th 2014

“What’s the story with the fight? You flying out? We still going?” I ask Mike. Three questions in rapid succession, followed by a long pause, during which I realize I’m not going to be watching Johny Hendricks vs Robbie Lawler, at UFC 171, as they fight for the vacant welterweight title at the American Airlines Arena in Dallas.

“I have a conflict. I can’t do it,” Mike responds. “I’m sorry.”

My fantasy of sitting with Dana White, Ronda Rousey, and possibly Mark Cuban, crushing high-fives in between rounds in rooting for Big Rigg (Hendricks), nearly fades to black.

"Is it true that you're married?" Ronda asks me.

"Yes, I'm married."

"That's so disappointing. Do you think your wife would mind if we rolled some time?"

"I really want you to be part of what we're doing at the UFC," Dana says, clutching my shoulder in a display of macho camaraderie.

"Training your athletes?"

"I'm thinking of a role where you help us build the brand or maybe some commentary work with Rogan."

"I’ll definitely think about it." 

Hendricks ultimately defeats Lawler. It’s a tremendous fight that I end up watching with my oldest son from a table at Twin Peaks in North Irving, the sports pub with scantily clad Twin Peaks Girls.

Such a good father, I am.

Saturday, March 8th, 2014

It’s a solid day of bench training for me; the first time in a long time. Rogan is there. He’s throwing drinks back with Shane Smith, the co-founder and CEO of VICE Media. Together they discuss global warming and the declining fish population. I enjoy the company, but become mildly concerned — I also enjoy fish.

Prior to bed, I gulp down ZMA with a bottle of water. The ZMA supplement was developed by BALCO Labs and its former executive director Victor Conte. It's just zinc, magnesium aspartate, and vitamin B6. The basic theory is the formula helps facilitate better sleep and improved training recovery (the body produces testosterone while you sleep and better sleep roughly translates to more production and therefore more efficient recovery).

The efficacy of ZMA has been disputed, but I can tell you when I take it my sleep is somehow deeper and, in my opinion, the supplement is worth it for the dreams alone. But I’ve already talked too much about Ronda.

From whom did I learn about ZMA? You guessed it. Rogan.

 Photo via Joe Rogan's Facebook 

Friday, March 14th, 2014

I'm speeding down Rt161 in Long Prairie, Texas with my sixteen-year-old son functioning as co-pilot. The wife and younger ones are visiting family in Connecticut on their school spring break.

Zack and I remain in Texas; he stays because of his high school baseball schedule, I stay both to keep an eye on him and because of work.

We're on the way to see a few of my favorite people perform at the Verizon Theatre: primate-loving comedian Joe Rogan, Ari Shaffir (Comedy Central’s "This is Not Happening"), and the enigmatic Duncan Trussell, from the "Duncan Trussell Family Hour" podcast.

We download the tickets to my iPhone en route to the venue. Great seats, fifth row in front. Luckily we got to sit right behind MMA fighter and former Team Alpha Male's head coach, Duane “Bang” Ludwig. Ludwig now runs Ludwig Martial Arts in Colorado.

On May 24^th of 2014, UFC 173, a Ludwig-trained TJ Dillashaw would best undefeated Renan Barao to win the UFC  Bantamweight Championship in a terrific upset. Over a span of nine years, Barao held one of the longest unbeaten streaks in MMA history, recording 33 straight fights without a loss. Thirty seconds prior to the fight I turned to my son, subsequently losing full creditability, and said, “Dillashaw doesn’t stand a chance.”

Sorry Duane.

The show begins and the aforementioned trio overwhelms us with adult comic mastery. My only regret? We didn’t stay for pictures after the show.

Sometime in June 2014

I actually bang-out some cardio in the form of Eddie Bravo Swim Sprints. Bravo, a Jean-Jacques Machado trained Jiu-Jitsu practitioner, is one of Rogan’s best friends and the guy is a trip. He’s perhaps most famous for defeating Royler Gracie in the 2003 Abu Dhabi Submission Wrestling Championships. Powerful Eddie Bravo. He thinks Rousey is using a hypnotist to generate her ferocity. I digress once again.

I follow up the sprints with a giant bowl of cereal, a banana and almond milk. I can no longer drink milk because of the lactose and the discovery of almond milk gave me back the simple pleasure of eating a bowl of cereal from time to time in the morning. I never realized how much I missed it.

I learned about almond milk from my friend Chris, who was responsible for introducing me to the podcast.

March 2015

I’m cruising from Flower Mound, Texas to Carpenter Park in Plano (56 miles round-trip) to watch the fourteen-year-old play baseball. It’s the first leg in a long day of driving.

Following the game, on the second jaunt, I head from Flower Mound to the D-Bat facility in Fort Worth for my oldest son’s pitching lesson (51 miles one-way). Yes, I’m driving over fifty miles for a pitching coach. Why? He’s the best.

My son is riding co-pilot and my father, who is visiting from Connecticut, is in the back seat. He’s in the back mostly because he doesn’t want to wear a seat-belt and, other than apathy, I’m not sure why. It can’t be because he isn’t concerned with his safety because every couple of miles, I hear him grunt while tensing and pumping an imaginary brake pedal.

To kill time during the ride, I’m listening to Rogan. He’s talking with his guest about the Furry Fetish (i.e. people who like to dress as anthropomorphic animals or watch others do so) and its practitioners engaging in sexual acts while in costume. I’m looking in the rearview mirror, hoping somehow my father isn’t hearing this. I’m hoping he’s mesmerized by something on his iPhone.

Forty-five-years old and I’m still worried about getting in trouble with my parents.

Post pitching lesson, we need to drive from Fort Worth to The Yard in Farmers Branch (52 miles one-way) so my son’s select baseball team can fit him for his uniform. I decide to take a risk and again turn Rogan on. This time I select his most recent podcast with Steve Maxwell. Maxwell is a fitness coach, physical educator, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor, so I incorrectly assume the content will be safe for my father’s ears.

I’m foiled again as they begin to discuss the benefits of marijuana coupled with yoga.

After ten minutes of THC talk and several fatherly glances of disgust (I can see him in the rearview mirror), I’m forced to relent and turn on the radio. It’s Top 40 for the remaining 25 miles from Farmers Branch back to Flower Mound.

Once home, ~185 miles of driving done, my father pulls me aside in the garage and I can tell by the his demeanor the conversation isn’t going to be enjoyable.

“Why do you listen to that stuff?” He asks.

“What stuff?”

“Those podcasts. He’s talking about drugs,” my father says.

“Not really, just marijuana and yoga,” I say with a smile. I'm hoping he’s not going to bring up the Furry sex, and he doesn’t. “He talks about a lot of other topics as well.”

I don’t try to explain the significance of Rogan to my father. It would take too much time.

How can one adequately explain the significance of the Renaissance Man that is Joe Rogan and his dynamic podcast? Perhaps this article takes a rough stab at it.