I Wanna Get Fat

Sometimes it’s hard to take your own advice. Whenever anyone new to powerlifting has asked me in the past which weight class they should compete in, I always tell them to lift in the class that they don’t have to cut weight for. If anything, gain some weight. You really shouldn’t cut weight unless you’re trying to achieve a world record or a very substantial goal. Cutting weight for a meet isn’t fun; it depletes your body of energy and unless you have the resources to re-hydrate with intravenous solutions, you probably won’t have the same strength you did at a heavier bodyweight.

That being said, I’ve cut weight to compete in the 275-pound class. I realized how much trouble I could get into trying to re-hydrate when I bombed my squats for the first time at a meet in June. Cutting weight is a miserable experience.

My last meet was a little better. I tried to keep my bodyweight a little lower prior to the meet so I only had to cut about eight pounds. For some reason, I’ve been reluctant to jump on the “get big” boat, I think primarily because I work on the fire department and have a responsibility to be in good physical condition to be effective. I don’t want to get so big that I become a liability to my crew.  However, my bodyweight usually stays between 280 and 285, so what’s another 15 to 20 pounds? I’m 6’3” and even at 280, I’m relatively lean. It’s time to jump on the “let’s get big” bandwagon. I’ve always eaten relatively clean, and this will definitely be a different experiment and challenge for me.

WATCH: Joey Smith on Staying Fat

You always hear about how to get lean. Don’t you get a little bit tired of the same old clichés on every advertisement, Facebook page, and Instagram post? You're constantly bombarded with methods of “how to get lean”, “lose 30 pounds in 30 days”, "drop body fat”, “get abs”, blah, blah, blah.

We’re going to change it up a bit. As a powerlifter, there are lifters who get excited talking about their famous bloats. To be politically correct we’re going to name this process Reverse Anorexia. I’m talking about eating so much that you get sick and then you have to go back to the buffet to finish what you started. You’re on a mission!  F*ck counting calories, f*ck macros, f*ck packing Tupperware full of carefully constructed meals with the precision of a modern day nutritional technician. If I want broccoli or asparagus, I’m going to mix it with two gallons of ice cream! Get used to the idea of pre, intra and post workout chocolate bars, pizza, and cheesecake and then off to the grocery store to spend all your gas money, insurance payments, rent money, and your entire utility budget on food. You may also have to budget to get a few more bulk packages of toilet paper because your intestines are going to be functioning like a conveyor belt in out-of-control mode.

You have to ask yourself, and be honest. What sounds more intriguing between these two choices:

1. Starving yourself so you can diet down to see your abs and spread your butt cheeks for a stranger to paint your private parts so you can go on stage and be judged and criticized on your months of dieting, or...
2. Eating as much as you can to get big and strong and lift more weight on the platform.

I never have felt confident in a Speedo; I’m not a big fan of “junk suffocation.”

My goal is to try and reach 300 pounds for my next meet in January. Up until this point, I have usually eaten six meals a day, two of which I call “super shakes.” I simply plan on adding an extra meal or two per day, which will primarily be pasta or calorie dense meals. I have to admit that I’ve been eating more for the last week and a half and it’s a lot of work. It’s harder than I thought it would be. Constantly feeling jam-packed and bloated isn’t fun or a pleasant experience but it will be interesting to see if being heavier will transfer into bigger lifts.

You have to admit that it even sounds better: eating clean vs. eating dirty.

WATCH: The Secret Diet For Gaining Weight

How do you know when you’re big enough or heavy enough? Here are a few certain ways to know:

• Your bench stroke is more than one inch but less than two.
• You make the solid rubber tires on a wheelchair go flat when you sit in it.
• Your ass is the width of a two-lane highway.
• You have to use a remote controlled drone with a Go-Pro to see your junk.
• Your preferred method of travel is inside a horse trailer.
• Your squat goes up 200 pounds from fat alone.
• When scheduled for a colonoscopy, they send in a satellite telescope and it reports back to the Doc when it reaches your internal atmosphere, several light years away.
• Your pants belt is a red and white “wide-load” banner.
• Size 4XL is for little pussies.
• You’ll never be “Selkow approved.”
• You can’t reach the deadlift bar. (And this won't matter to you because who needs to deadlift when your squat when up 200 pounds?)
• You watch television with your chin resting on your gut.
• Your idea of a sandwich is a pizza jammed between two pizzas.
• You can’t fit on the toilet so you have to take a dump in the bathtub.
• If you could collect the methane from your farts, you would be able to supply enough energy to power a small factory
• You always smell “ripe."
• You need a CPAP machine when you’re awake.
• You need an electric winch and a body harness to get in and out of bed.
• Last time they took blood, they couldn’t get any information because the gravy concentration was too high.
• When you die, you have to be buried in an intermodal container.
• You’re so big CBS wants to fly you around at sports events to replace the Snoopy blimp.

I have a slow learning curve and it took me a while to figure out that I shouldn’t cut weight anymore. I’m looking forward to seeing how this all plays out over the next few months and it will be great to not cut any weight at my next meet. I’ll keep you posted. Time to go have some gravy shooters and a pint of high fructose corn syrup!