Attention Everyone Who Has Ever Wanted to Gain Massive Size

I’ve got some training advice for you—your program sucks! That’s right—your program sucks so bad that it blows! And you know what? Your diet does, too!

Are you tired of lame ass promises without results? I bet you are! Keep reading for the secret of how to:

  • Slap on metric shit tons of muscle!
  • Burn fat at super high mega-atomic rates!
  • Chase down any prey by developing monstrous speed!
  • Become the apex predator at your gym!

So what is this secret that will change your life and turn you into a God among men?

It’s the revolutionary new training program brought to you by one of the greatest minds in fitness. And it’s inspired by the greatest, most brutal physique of all time! It's literally been 65 million years in the making!

Tyrannosaur training!

The Tyrannosaurus Rex is the ultimate Adonis. His name literally means tyrant lizard king! This training program will use his secrets to bring you the body and raw athleticism you’ve always wanted but never dreamed of obtaining.

From the desk of T-Rex Tex:

Dear Friend,

My name is T-Rex Tex, and I’ve networked myself into the Twitter feeds and web pages of hundreds of our top web skilled strength trainers. If you’re fed up with being a limp wristed pussy, this is the most important piece of writing you’ll ever read. Because my Tyrannosaur Training program will make you the opposite of the fat, disgusting wad of lard and sputum you currently are. Don’t believe me? Check out these testimonials and then hate yourself for being stupid and worthless and not trusting me.

But what if you’re a delicate lady piece of sex meat? Well, don’t worry because I’m a man and I not only know the universal set of physical traits that make women sexy, I know how to make you look that way!

The amazing story of how I discovered Tyrannosaur Training!

Ten years ago, I was like you—bent, broken, and weak from doing all those exercises and training programs that never got me anywhere. My back and shoulders were a wreck. But if you had told me that there was a way other than “squat/bench/dead,” I would’ve called you crazy. If you had asked me to reconsider pull-ups, I would’ve punched you in the nuts.

Then one day it hit me—I was the crazy one.

You see, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results [i]. I had spent years under the bar and years on the treadmill, track, and hills. I needed something different. My neck and legs still felt good, so I began training only them. And as I did, I felt…different. Like I was becoming something…else. Something strong. Something powerful.

Then it all clicked for me. I was walking home at night when I was cornered by a mugger. Normally, I would’ve just handed my wallet over, but this time I didn’t. I looked at him and I roared. The mugger was so scared that he ran away.

The truth was though, I was scared myself. You see, I’d felt the Tyrannosaur within me. At that moment, I knew I’d discovered something special. I left behind my mundane existence as a software debugger and devoted myself to creating the new field of paleontological training. As my studies progressed, I realized that the evolutionary track of predatory dinosaurs was such that while subsequent species grew larger in total mass, their behaviors and biology exhibited four distinct complementary trends.

Though I didn’t realize it yet, I had accidentally discovered the four Mesozoic laws of massive muscle:

1st Law—Train for the kill: How’d Tyrannosaurus Rex get so big? He never worked his chest and arms! Obvious, isn’t it? If he had spent time working his arms, he never would’ve gained massive size. Tyrannosaur Training devotes your workout to the most intense leg and neck work you've ever experienced!

2nd Law—Carnosaur cardio: Tired of boring treadmills and pointless circuit routines? Carnosaur Cardio is your solution! Rather than stupid human cardio, Carnosaur Cardio has you get in touch with your inner saurian—by chasing down and killing your food!That’s right—Tyrannosaur training makes you a real predator!! No weapons allowed—I’ll teach you the secrets of the neck breaking kill bite and the crippling spine stomp. Best of all, Carnosaur Cardio causes Raptorburn where your body burns calories for hours after you finish training!

3rd Law—Dino diet: Wanna grow like a Tyrannosaur? You gotta eat like one!!! Tyrannosaur Training requires that you eat up to 10 pounds of raw meat every day. And it’s Tyrannosaur style, so no utensils allowed!

4TH Law—Scientific supplementation: You might be thinking, “Hey, T-Rex Tex, how can I ensure that I have the saurian-specific nutrient blends that Tyrannosaurus Rex had?” That’s a great question! The answer is TRICERATIN 523XXX. TRICERATIN 523XXX is a highly bioactive super-amino-loaded isolate of the purest fossilized insect digestive contents around. We’ve literally sampled hundreds of tons of amber and millions of blood-sucking insects to make sure that you have the finest partially digested dinosaur blood around! Each ounce of TRICERATIN 523XXX is guaranteed to contain at least 50% high-grade Triceratops blood!!!

You see, today’s scientists are so focused on human research and studies that they’ve missed a far more elegant solution—remove humans from the human problem and replace it with dinosaurs! I’ve studied dinosaurs so much that I’m now a paleontologist. Of course, these aren’t just my laws for becoming the beast you’ve always wanted to be—they’re scientifically proven!!!![ii],[iii]

But don’t take the word of some lab weenies for it. We all know white coats don’t know shit about massive size.

Here are more testimonials:

I know you’re excited, but I have to be completely honest and tell you that Tyrannosaur Training isn't for everyone!! It is only for the most dedicated, hardcore, and primal athletes. If you are, then keep reading because I’m offering Tyrannosaur Training at the ultra extreme low price of…$599.99!!!!!!!

If you hesitate at this price, Tyrannosaur Training is not for you. To get in on this system at only $599.99 truly is a very rare value, so rare that it’s almost extinct!!

You see, while the four Mesozoic laws of massive muscle are enough to get your training started, you need all my secret knowledge to get their full benefit. I’ve dedicated my entire life to bringing the training secrets of extinct theropods to my fellow hominids, and all of this work can be found in my Tyrannosaur Training System.

Here are the six components you get when you order Tyrannosaur Training:

Component 1, Tyrannosaur Training—The Ultimate Training Program ($800 value): Twelve weeks of cutting-edge Cretaceous training that’s jam-packed with super-saurian exercises.

Component 2, Workout Log Sheets ($60 value): These customized log sheets are tailor-made to ensure your continuing success.

Component 3, TRICERATIN 523XXX ($1,500 value): A full month’s supply of TRICERATIN 523XXX guaranteed to potentiate your training gains and maximize your maximization of massive, maximal muscle!!!

Component 4, Tyrannosaur Training Reference Cards ($50 value): These portable workout cards allow you to Tyrannosaur Train while on the go. They’re made out of ultra-high quality laminated cardstock.

Component 5, Bite Harness ($100 value): This custom built tool uses gravity, leverage, and external loading to develop massive neck and jaw muscles. You can’t find it anywhere else!!!!

Component 6, Online Exercise Index ($300 value): I’ve made sure you have instant access to over two dozen exercises and techniques for becoming the ultimate Tyrannosaur.

That’s a $3,000 value for just $599.99!!!!!

Still not convinced? Order before the holidays and I’ll include an awesome bonus…a limited edition, faux dinosaur skin carrying case valued at $500!!!!

So what are you waiting for? Unleash your inner monster and buy Tyrannosaur Training!!!!

Sincerely,

T-Rex Tex, CSCS, MS, Paleontologist

PS: Don’t hesitate!!!! Tyrannosaurus Rex never waited for a handout. He ran it down and ripped its guts out!!!

PPS: I’ve included a handy Q&A just in case you have a few more questions before mailing me your money.

Q&A

Q: What if Tyrannosaur Training doesn’t work for me?

A: Then you didn’t follow the program to the letter. I haven’t spent decades perfecting Tyrannosaur Trainingjust to have a slack-jawed fucktard muck and muddle my work. Get hardcore and get with the program.

Q: I’m new to training, but I don’t want to waste my time on an ineffective, human-based training program. Can I jump right into Tyrannosaur Training?

A: You sure can! You see, I’ve designed a series of self-checking autonomous variables to make sure that people of all athletic levels can participate in Tyrannosaur Training.

Q: I’m not a paleontologist and I can clearly tell that this entire program is a pile of garbage. This program is just basic training axioms that have been corrupted with horrific pop science, terrible fitness concepts, and a blatant misrepresentation of quoted literature. You just took something and polished it with a turd solely for the purposes of marketing differentiation.

A: If you look at my program from a distance and have a Philistine’s understanding of paleontology, you may come up with this misguided opinion. Anyone who is familiar with coelurosaur evolution, particularly forelimb morphology and the associated trends in tyrannosaurid growth vis-a-vis predation habits and concentration of herbivores and corresponding habitats will surely conclude otherwise. As you said, you’re not a paleontologist, so you are incapable of evaluating my theories. Thank you for warning me in advance of your handicap in this regard. Ass hat.

*This is a satire article, and not intended to be real. It is just for your humor and entertainment purposes!

[i] The dictionary.

[ii] Kendall, JA (2011) The physical enhancement regime ‘Tyrannosaur Training’ is entirely ineffective and leads to salmonella. Clinical Exercise and Diet 5:22.

[iii] Roberts, ML 2011) Novel supplement ‘Triceratin 523XXX’ is largely sawdust and rat droppings. Journal of Nutrition 1: 23.