Seriously

I’m amazed at what people don’t know. This started Sunday in the gym. Somehow the topic of gaining weight and eating like crap came up. Bingo! I know all about this. And then Oreo’s came up.

Today, I was talking to someone else about eating like crap (as you can see, I’m still eating like crap), and the same topic came up. So I decided that it was time to man up and educate these guys. So here is a lesson for everyone.

First off, know the playing field.

There are 45 cookies in a regular bag and 36 in a double-stuffed bag. How can you not know this one? This is basic stuff! This has been America's most popular cookie since 1912, and many a great man has bulked up on these. The floral design on the cookie has 12 flowers per side. This is another one that kills me. How can you miss this when you’re putting away 45 in one shot?

If every Oreo cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other, the pile would reach to the moon and back more than five times. If you can’t add a mile or two, you aren’t even in the game. The key is to pound the bag before your brain tells you that you’re full. Some will say this happens in 20 minutes. I say screw that! Try for a PR every time. This isn’t max effort stuff here. This is about nailing down the most calories in the shortest time possible.

Rules of the Game

1. Never pull the damn thing apart, and dunking is totally out of the question. I’m not even going to discuss why.

2. Use a small glass to drink your milk. A bigger glass will cause too much fluid consumption too fast. This will fill you up before the bag is done.

3. Kill one row right from the start. Just dig in and go. This is easy to do and can be thought of as the warm-up set, the first lap, the first go around, or whatever you like.

4. Once the first row is done, poor a small glass of milk. Do not drink it. Not yet.

5.  Without delay, start on the next row. With each cookie, pop it in your month and bite it in half (while still in your mouth). Then take a sip of milk. Repeat this for each cookie in the second row. If done correctly, you will run out of milk at the same time that you kill the last cookie in row two.

6. Next, wash your mouth out with water. Do not swallow the water. Rinse and spit just like at the dentist office, except this time you will be spitting black crap all over the bowl. Then repeat number five for the last row.

7. If you’re good, you should be done in less than seven minutes. I would tell you my record, but this involves using the double-stuffed kind. I will give you this as a guide to go by:

Rank

Elite: 4 minutes

Masters: 5 minutes

Class 1: 7 minutes

Class 2: 10 minutes

Class 3: 15 minutes

Class 4: 20 minutes

Class 5: 30 minutes

This brings me to my next point. Stick with the single-stuffed until you get a good carryover (weight gain) and move up in the ranks. You really should not embrace the double-stuffed until you’re at least a Class 1 or Masters. Everyone wants to jump right into double-stuffed way too fast. Embrace that you’re a novice, and the gains will come. Stick to the basics. It is how all the big boys did it.

 

Final Thoughts

Finally, this is NOT a meal or snack.

It is just another way to add some JACK.

Sometimes you have to do things to live your dream.

And yes, this may mean eating some cream.

This may not be the best habit to keep,

but remember when the rest of the world is asleep

you will be the one paying the price

as they wake to another day of chicken and rice.

Sometimes you need to eat healthy to stay clean,

but I am here to say you may have to eat like shit to be a machine.

This may be contrary to fact,

but skinny NOT—let's get jacked.

If you want to grow up to be like the great King Kong,

then mark my words, you may need some Ding Dongs.

Listen up and make sure to get this right.

It all comes down to calories per bite.

Some of you may be saying, "Dave, you are whacked."

This is okay because I’m almost JACKED.

I have done what I needed to do.

And yes, I remember the picture at the zoo.

To keep from getting decked,

you should get your blood work checked.

A glass, ice cream, and root beer make a float—

just what is needed for a monster bloat.

Please don't get trapped.

You need to eat big to get JACKED.

There will be times when you’ll want to quit.

Walk to the mirror and look through your slits.

Your face is bloated and looks like dread,

but your arms are JACKED, you can't shave your head.

Eating in class once led to after school detention,

but a must this was to gain water retention.

Go to the store and hit the cookie isle.

Load the cart up with a big giant pile.

When you check out, you will pay the toll.

Never mind, this is the way to get ‘swole.’

The point I am trying to make

is really as simple as eating cake.

Candy bars, subs, and chips are the right track.

A great daily lunch this is to get JACKED.

It has to do with more than getting big.

For some of us, this may mean being a pig.

You see getting lean is a piece of cake.

It is getting big that makes most shake.

The thought of losing their abs

has them all taking jabs.

They need to get in the kitchen and crank up “back in black.”

Tear open a box of pop tarts and get JACKED.

They buzz-buzz-buzz like mosquitoes

when all they need is a bag of Doritos.

I will say this one more time.

What they say and do is such a crime.

They have their ass tied and bound.

Here is a clue—fudge round.

Dieting is easy when you set your way.

Adding mass is without a doubt a different day.

They have their way, and I have mine,

but please remember, I walk the line.

They might have been the head of the class,

but they can kiss my JACKED up ass!