First Published 10/20/2010

***From the Editor: Yes, you heard that right, EIGHT times. That's probably a World Record PR for some of you. Anyway, I'm randomly subscribed to lots of different newsletters to spy on what everyone else is doing...and Have Sex 8 Times This Week from Men's Health did more than catch my eye, I had to read it. Dave must have seen the word "Sex" in the title and wanted to know what it was about. I started reading it to him and he flipped out and thought there was no possible way these would work! Here's his own spoof-version of the article...

1. Anti-Stress Sex
This is BS - trying to get sex IS stress! As a guy, you know your odds of rejection are 20 to 1. Nothing is more stressful than wanting to have sex and being rejected, then asking again, being rejected and on and on. There is NO way this can be good the night before a heavy squat session. Remember your CNS does not know the difference between physical and mental stress (read The Stress of Life by Hans Selye).  I guess you could use this as part of your pre-sex sales strategy "I just read that sex is anti-stressful - wanna go at it?" Make sure to let us know how this works out for you.

2. Before Dinner Sex
Are you freaking kidding me! This is worse than eating salad! At least salad has SOME calories. Sex burns them! How is this possibly going to help you get jacked?

3. The Dry Hump
This is like squatting high without gear. 'Nuff said!

4. Lazy Sex
Seriously, is there any other way? If you're bloated, jacked or beat up there is NO WAY you are getting on top, kneeling behind, twisting or getting into any other position other than just lying on your back. AND EVEN THIS IS A BIG "IF." You know this can just lead to lower back and hamstring craps.

5. Post Going Out Sex.
Like you're going out in the first place! And if you do, you will be too trashed or in a sugar coma from dinner. The odds of PGOI (post going out injury) is just not with the risk. If this is the case, then you would be better off loading up 150 percent of your all-time best max effort squat and doing a goodmorning. The injury risk ration will be about the same! Who comes up with this stuff? They certainly are not bloated and jacked!

6. Shower Sex
Huh? I have to think about this one. What are we, in high school again where we think this is a good idea? You barely have enough time to get in there, shower, clean your ass and shave your head! PLUS if this IS to be done, you will have to be standing and we ALL know your belly is GOING to be in the way, or your "HO HUM" is going to be cranked down so hard, it would be like trying to wear a metal deadlifter with a hard on. I suppose you could squat down to get a better position, but who's knees can handle that? Plus it would be lower than most of us have squatted in the past five years anyhow.

7. Sunday Morning Sex Times Two

Ok. I have to cross a line here that I really don't want to. But unless you're married, premarital sex is a violation of one of of the 10 commandments, right? So you are going to do this not once but TWICE before going to church? Well, in case you aren't a church-goer, then this would be before most people's bench day...making this entire situation even worse. If you do anything to screw up your arch and/or lock out - you are screwed! And NOT in the physical-sense. Nothing worse than sitting at the end of the bench after getting stamped and knowing it's because you had to fire the paper clip before breakfast.

The only sex really worth having is Post Training Sex. You are still jacked up from Spike drinks, your joints don't hurt so much because of the Hydrocodone, and you can last longer than 2.5 minutes. Ya'll knowing what I'm talking about, right? Can't just be me!