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It’s Time!

That time of the year is right around the corner. No, I’m not talking about giving and receiving gifts.  I’m talking about the day of Thanks where we will be united with friends and relatives we have not seen since Easter…or as far back as last December. It’s always interesting to see how people have changed; some have had kids, then there are the other kids you can’t remember by their names, husbands you didn’t know of or forgot they even had. It’s actually kind of confusing when you really think about it. I mean these are people you should at least know by their names, and if they got married or had children… but like most, there are always a couple things we completely forgot about or didn’t know. We do, however, know if someone lost a ton of weight – or gained 15 or 60 pounds. I’ve always liked the mystery in this.

My family NEVER knows if the skinny or the fat Dave will show up. My weight has fluctuated as high as 315 and as low as 223 on several occasions. I should confess this was on purpose but it’s still fun to see the reaction. Some people work VERY hard to show up lean and looking their best. While I’m sure there is something to this I’ve always enjoyed showing up looking like a bloated swine. I’m talking the type of bloat that is SO HUGE that most of the people don’t know what to say but you can hear the chatter about how HOODGE I got. What makes it even better is when you get pulled aside and given the “health” talk by your mother or family doctor. We publish many articles per year on how to get lean. I thought I would take a different approach with this one and write about…

GETTIN’ HOODGE

Before getting into some specific last minute bloat programs, let’s explore the upside of gettin’ hoodge.  This list was first published on T-muscle.com as The 27 Reasons To Be Big. I think it appropriate to repost these but add 10 new ones to the list.

27 Reasons to Be Big + 6 New Reasons

1. I like having to think, “Is this really worth getting up for?” before doing anything.

2. I like having to roll off the bench press instead of sitting up.

3. I like the feeling of having my head filling with pressure, turning bright red and not being able to breathe. And this is just from tying my shoes. I find it best to take a big breath of air, drop as fast as I can and speed tie. I can usually get the job done in four to five reps.

4. I like the feeling of my belly on my upper thighs when I take a dump. Sometimes I even try to sit back further, fill my belly with air and blast away like I would a big squat.

5. I like feeling hot and sweaty when sitting in an air-conditioned room with my shirt off and a fan blowing directly on me. This is how I spend most days at work!

6. I like taking an extra few minutes in my car to catch my breath from walking across the parking lot.

7. I like having to put my belt through my belt loops before I put on my pants. I remember how mad my friend Jim was one time at the airport when he was asked to remove his belt before going through the metal detector. He knew he had two choices. He could either go the rest of the day without his belt, or head to the restroom to take his pants back off and re-loop the belt. In the end, he waited until the next time he had to take a dump, as it would just be too much of a pain to remove his pants for no reason.

8. I like waking up in the middle of the night with my hands numb… gives me a chance to eat more food.

9. I like being asked things like:

Q: “Do you lift weights?”

A: “No, I look this way for no other reason.”

Q: “Are you a wrestler?”

A: “Yeah, like I have the mobility to jump off the top rope!”

10. I like the time I have to spend in business meetings trying to overcome the meathead image that all the fat, out-of-shape business executives have of me.

11. I like the feeling  of needing to take a dump all day long.

12. I like the lower back workout I get from walking across the room.

13. Cell phones are also a treat when you’re big. You’re certain to cut all conversations very short because you know your arm will get tired within the first two minutes. This is where the headsets are great, but these Shrek-like fingers make it hard to get the damn plug in the phone.

14. On that same note, I like having to retype just about every third word because my damn fingers keep hitting the wrong keys.

15. I like buying a new recliner every year because they all break down.

16. I like the feeling of jeans either smashing my nuts or falling off my ass.

17. I like coming up with excuses to avoid places like the zoo, amusement parks, fairs or any other place that involves a shitload of walking in hot weather. Yeah, let’s all go to Disney World!

18. I love speed squat workouts where the only thing that’s moving fast is my heart rate.

19. I love leaving work and finding that when I get to my car I forgot something and realize it isn’t worth the 20 yards to walk back and get it. The only exception to this rule is when I forget my car keys and then have to stand there pissed at myself for a half hour before I walk back in and get them. I usually just try using my cell phone to call in and have someone bring them out to me.

20. I love swimming and finding myself in the deep end where I can’t touch.

21. I always like it when I’m the passenger in a compact car. First you have a hell of a time getting into the car as it feels like you’re doing a one-leg squat down to a shoebox. Then, when you reach your destination, you find you’re curbside parked. You go to open the door and you hear the oh-so-familiar scratch of the car door on the curb. This sound runs down your spine like fingernails on a chalkboard. You then look out the door and see that you’re required to do the deepest one-leg squat in history to get out. The only way you’ll be able to do this is to arch your back and press your feet into the floor as hard as you can to begin to lift yourself up in the seat as you would on a hack squat machine. If done correctly, you can gain up to six inches before you take the side lunge from hell to get out. Once you’re in the proper position you should be able to take the leap of faith to get out. If this wasn’t bad enough, you always know that it’s not over after the first step. You know there’s a very good chance you’ll end up losing your balance as you get out and end up taking a few awkward backward steps once you clear the door. The worst thing of all is knowing once you get out you’ll have to find a way to get back in.

22. I love feeling like I’m getting more jacked and ripped at the same time, yet every picture I see of myself shows a fat, bloated pig. I guess it’s true that a picture can add two rolls and twenty pounds of fat. Okay, more like thirty.

23. I like knowing that when I go to take a dump I have a very good chance of getting a lat cramp when I go to wipe. This will always lead to the “quick” wipe and ultimately a dirty ass. Jim has always suggested the use of baby wipes to finish the job, but let’s face it, do you really want to risk the lat cramp again? I’d much rather hit the shower to finish the job. Hint: You’ll need to get one of those detachable showerheads so you can get the direct line of fire. If all else fails, you can ask your sweetheart to help finish the job. To do this you need to lie on your back and lift your legs up and back as far as you can. This will give her a perfect view to get the job done. Okay, I know I crossed the line with that one, but I do know of at least three lifters who take care of hygiene this way. They call this “assuming the position”.

24. I love it when I have to have someone  else button my top shirt button and put my tie on because I can’t reach it.

25. I also like going out to eat and finding that I’m in a restaurant that has two choices: 1) the booth you have to squeeze your ass into, knowing that your belly will be smashed the entire meal and 2) those tall tables with the extra high barstools. Not able to lean back and set your feet on the floor is counterproductive to one of the most important activities of getting big—eating. I suggest leaving and finding somewhere else to eat.

26. I like all the crazy sexual positions I can conform to.

27. Going to the airport provides several great reasons why you should all strive to get big. First up, you have to get all your crap out of the car and to the check-in. In my case I’m usually looking at a duffle bag of clothes for the weekend trip. You also need a bigger bag because all your crap is size XXX, plus you need a few extra shirts, as you’re bound to sweat through most of them and will need to change often.

I also have my briefcase with laptop, planner and all the other crap I need while away. In the case of a seminar, I also have a roller case with my LCD projector. Lastly, if I need to train while away, I’ll need my training bag with all the necessary gear. (I don’t even want to get into the bags needed for a powerlifting meet.) So I’m faced with the challenge of having to get four bags to the check-in terminal. Yes, you can get a roller cart, but this will require walking to the terminal to get the thing, then walking back, loading up and walking to the terminal again. This is way too many trips for a big guy to take.

If you’re lucky, you’ll make it to the terminal with only four or five drops. If you’re following me here you know what happens when one bag falls off your shoulder. You try to recover and the next thing you know, all your bags are on the floor. It takes several attempts to get all the bags back up and on your way. Let me tell you this before I go on: don’t try and kick a few bags as you go. This may seem like good idea but a travel bag doesn’t kick as smoothly as you think it would, and it’ll  consume much more energy kicking the bags than it would if you simply hiked them back onto your shoulders.

Okay, so you make it to the check-in terminal. You take your place in line and set your crap down. This is when the “bag kick” comes in handy. You don’t want to have to pick up your bags every five minutes when the line moves up. At this point you’ll be starving from all the work you had to do to get here and you can see the fast food places around the corner. As each person moves up you get more and more hungry to the point that your hunger turns into “stupid people aggression”. Most of you will know what I mean with this. You’re in line and what should take a max of five to ten seconds to do, takes some of these morons ten minutes. All you can think of doing is kicking the asshole in front of you in the back as he fumbles for his ID that he should’ve had out ten minutes ago. Hell, I’ve been holding mine in my mouth for the last half hour to the point that the ends are now all chewed up.

You finally make it to the metal detector. We already discussed the belt issue, but it’s important to point out that you should never wear laced shoes as you’ll have to take them off, and we all know how hard they are to get back on. Since you’re big and jacked you don’t have to worry about taking anything out of your pockets because if you had something in there, there’s no way you’d ever get it out . This is also why big guys will always tip all the change they receive into the tip jar, because let’s face it, where are you going to put it? In your front pocket? Yeah right! And how will you get it out? The only way you’d ever see the change again is when you take your pants off later that day. At this point it’ll fall on the floor and you’ll have to call in your kids to have them pick it up for you.

So you kick your shoes off and think you’ll fly past the metal detector archway. This is true as long as you don’t bump the sides. Since you’re huge, your shoulders are bound to hit, plus you have a shaved head and goatee and are automatically targeted as a threat. So you find yourself being directed to the two big footprints on the floor and told to stand here. Then they ask you to raise your arms and will always ask you if you work out. This is no time for small talk as your shoulders are messed up from your last squat session and it’s killing you to even hold your arms up.

Finally, once you finally make it through security, you get a chance to drop a few hundred bucks on a handful of eats that should hold you over for the trip. Now is your time to take a seat in front of your gate and recover from the demanding trip so far. This is a great time to checkout all the normal folks to remind yourself how great it is to be huge. You realize very quickly that you’re ten times bigger than you thought you were as it seems everyone in this country is fat and out of shape. On any given day you’ll be lucky to see one or two people who look like they’ve set foot in a weight room. The goal here is to not get too close to anyone, as you don’t want to catch the Geek Virus.

Soon you’ll be boarding the plane. It’s best to wait until last to get on. Why rush to just go sit again and have to get up if someone else comes? If you’ve planned your trip well, you know you should have a seat so it doesn’t matter when you get on. So relax and enjoy watching everyone else rush to the plane. Now, you know the seat will be a tight fit and you’ll have your balls crushed for the next hour or so. Locate your seat but keep on the lookout for any seats that may be open with an empty seat next to them. Since you should be the last one on the plane, dive into whatever looks like the best place to be. This is your right because you are huge.

PLUS 6

28. Not being able to take your shirt off by yourself.

29. I wrote about how uncomfortable jeans are but what I didn’t say is there comes a point when  it’s just not worth it and your closet becomes  full of sweat pants. Your collection grows and you begin to realize you have training sweats, daily sweats and …yes…dress up sweats (these are usually the ones you had to pay more than $50.00 for). Sweats will get you through 95% of all of life’s events, unless you have a dress code at work then unfortunately you should get tailor made pants (with extra room or elastic sides to allow for extra growth).

Yes, you can usually find some designer jeans in one of the high-end stores but it’s a FREAKIN’ nightmare to try on 100000000 pair of jeans only to  find maybe one that fits. Some of these stores will even have someone toss pants over the dressing room door for you to avoid searching the store but come on! You still end up having to bend over to pull them up and we know what this does. It brings intense pressure to our heads, turns us purple and sweat begins to poor like Niagara Falls.  No matter how good looking the sales rep is, this is still pure hell!

30. I like it when my cheeks and face begin to suck in and overpower my eyes. With a really good bloat you shouldn’t look like you even have eyes from an arms length away.  Having the head the size of  a bull can put undo stress on the upper back,  but you get used to this in time and it HAS to develop bigger and stronger traps. One safety suggestion: Make sure all the mirrors work and are set on your vehicle because turning you head to see traffic will be a thing of the past. You won’t be able to look to your side without first moving your entire body.

31. Hats! Whatever! With a bull head there is nothing you can stick on that will look good so just forget about it. That is unless it’s an elitefts™ beanie. They are usually free with orders and you can always give it away if it doesn’t fit. So far they have fit most (but not all) bloated Chewbacca heads.

32. While I wrote about theme parks and Zoo’s, I didn’t comment about the rides. There is nothing better than waiting one hour in the heat to get on some stupid ride your family HAS to do only to finally get in and NOT fit. The belt isn’t long enough or the racecar harness safety thing won’t pull down over your fat head let alone your shoulders and torso. So, after your one-hour wait you are escorted out the exit because of some polite reason they come up with. There is no need to get upset about this. Most of these rides will take a few minutes so it gives you time to hit the ice cream stand and kick back a couple cones before everyone else gets out.

I never understood why they have height requirements for all these rides that the little ones have to step up to in order to make certain they are tall enough.  I suggest they have a head rind much like a basketball hoop that we can go try to stick our head in. If it fits you can ride. If not then you still have more gettin’ huge to do.

33. This isn’t really funny but is a very nice perk. If you have the head the size of a stability ball the odds are you are pushing the bodyweight up very nicely. This is like an auto pass to riding shot gun in any taxi, car, shuttle or any other vehicle where there are multiple people sharing a ride.  Now, where this can back fire is if you are with a herd of meatheads, such as yourself, and there is some dude pushing close to 400 pounds. This means he will get shot gun and then three 300 pounds dudes need to cram into the back seat. Keep in mind you can’t turn your head without turning your body so there you all sit looking forward talking to the back end of the rear seat.

34. Brushing your teeth is another activity I just love. Like using the cell phone, you are going to deal with the arm and shoulder burn but added to this is the massive lower back pump from slightly bending over the sink.  I don’t care how many reverse hypers, back raises or good morning you do, NOTHING will prepare you for this. Now you would think the easy solution here is getting some of that gum they say is the same as brushing your teeth. Well, I’m not sure of that fact but I know after two minutes your temporalis and masseter will become so pumped your head will feel like a time bomb.

35. Getting off the couch is a real treat. Unlike normal body structures there is NO WAY you will be sitting up.  Take a look the next time you visit the house of someone who is hoodge.  You will notice the coffee table is either not there or is at least 5 feet away from the sofa. The reason for this is the only way to get up is to first, roll off onto the floor then roll over to your stomach, second, walk your hands back to your knees, and third, step up with one foot followed by the other. By the way, this is an awesome sight to behold. If you are lucky you can see this in the gym as well when they bench press but they are usually better practiced and know how to use the knee tuck leg roll to create momentum to get up, or they just have one of their spotters give them a hand.

36. Tis the season! Right? Wrong! Tis the season to stay the hell out of the mall but you know for a FACT your significant other will make you go shopping at some point. You know what, this sucks so bad I’m not even going to continue. I have other work to get done today and don’t need this stuck in my head. There are better options such as shopping at elitefts™.

Bonus – How to Get Your Bloat On

Disclaimer: These are not healthy in any way. We highly suggest you speak to your doctor before taking any of these steps or any other suggestions when it comes to diet and nutrition.

As you can see from my before and after picture, I have lost all credibility when it comes to developing an elephant head so I called in for some reinforcements.

PICTURE: Dave before and after

All bloat creed GONE!

How to Kick Back 10,000 Kcals in One Day

By Clint Darden

Sliced bread is a food that somehow has gotten a bad rap, especially by those looking to get into a pair of skinny jeans while drinking their non-fat latte.  (Seriously, I have no idea what either are, but I know that they are both anti-big lifts.)  Bread can be a magical thing when you need to find a way to stuff in some extra carbs but the key is to smash the bread as much as possible so it won’t take up as much space in your stomach.  Remember, you don’t want to be full; you want to eat a lot of carbs. Smash up the bread and just swallow it down.  Drink a little ice water if you need to (it can help) or iced apple juice can be grand!  If you are down to the wire and you are in desperate need of getting in those last few grams to make your full bloat, I will let you onto a small secret desperation move.  Stand over the sink.  Put a loaf of sliced white bread to the left of the sink and a jar of honey in the right side of the sink (I assume that everyone has a double sided sink…you know…for when your training partner comes over and you don’t want to dirty up the dishes).  Now take a spoon (remember, all bulking foods can be eaten with either your bare hands or a spoon) and get a big gob of honey, slap it onto some bread, lean over the sink, and shove it into your mouth.  A few things are very important here and they are things that I’ve learned from hard-nosed experience:

1) An apron should be worn across your chin to protect your beard.  Honey is not something that you want to get stuck in your beard at this point in your bloat.  You can spend some time and make some alterations to yours and it is well worth it.  Have the chinstrap changed from string to elastic.  You have to use pliers to hold the car key to clean out your ear, so we know you can’t tie that thing behind your head.  You can also have an extra section sewn onto the bottom so it can be extra long.  This makes it great to cover your new hard-earned belly from all the carbs.  Make sure that your apron is made of a thick cotton material because anything done around the sink is subject to getting wet.  I’ve also heard of some select hardcore few going as far as covering their aprons with cling wrap so that when they are done they can just tear away the cling wrap, throw it away, and not have to wash their apron after every feeding, similar to how NASCAR puts that stuff on the windshields of their cars that they just peel it off during pit stops.

2) Always have a fan near the sink.  At this point in your day you are so bloated that you are sweating non-stop and you don’t want to lose any fluids.  A fan can go a very long way towards keeping those fluids inside.

3) Make sure that the cold water is turned on as it serves two purposes.  One:  It keeps the sink clean as you spill breadcrumbs and honey all over it.  Your wife will be so freaking impressed that you have cleaned up after yourself that you have no idea what she might do just to say thanks!  Two:  Once nausea sets in you will need to get your hands, wrists, and forearms completely under cold running water so that you don’t get fully sick.  It’s important to have the proper bread eating bloat arch so that you can keep your head up high…so the food doesn’t get an itching to come flying back up.  Remember, this is WAR!

4) Keep a chair near the sink.  At this point your entire back will get pumped just walking from the La-Z-Boy to the sink and you don’t want to think about how pumped and painful it will be if you have to stand there for more than “however many seconds it takes you to squat a max lift”.  Make sure that the chair is padded and sits at least 4 inches above parallel.

Bloating for a meet

by Jeremy Frey 

Day 1 

6:00 a.m. (Breakfast) Bacon (1 lbs), 12 whole eggs cooked in bacon grease (smashed and smothered in catsup), toast and coffee.

6:34 a.m. crap my brains out

9:00 a.m. 2 silos of Oreos, milk

12:00 p.m. pizza hut buffet, piss everyone off by taking everything left over and leaving nothing whether I eat it all or not

12:34 p.m. See 6:34 a.m.

3:00 finish my Oreos, milk (buy more for later)

6:00 p.m. 2-4 beers, Olive Garden (mow 2 baskets of bread sticks, eat flatbread appetizer, get side of Alfredo for bread sticks, order steak gorgonzola Alfredo for entrée, eat pumpkin spice cheese cake at restaurant and order 1 slice to go)

Day 2 

6:00 a.m. Martha’s Pancake House (6 oz. sirloin, 6 eggs scrambled, hash browns, white toast buttered, coffee, and apple pancakes with apple syrup)

6:34 a.m. destroy the bathroom

9:00 a.m. start sipping chicken broth, cold (been eating salt pills this entire time)

10:00 a.m. at least 1 silo of Oreos, milk

12:30 p.m. Casey’s pizza, large double pepperoni with extra cheese (grease dripping through the box), large cheese stick

1:04 p.m. spackling the toilet (brush is getting thrown away)

3:00 p.m. Finish what I couldn’t earlier and at least 1 silo of Oreos

6:30 p.m. 2-4 wheat beers, Applebee’s (spinach and artichoke dip, 9 oz sirloin, garlic mashed potato’s, large cookie sundae)

Day 3 

*ring doesn’t fit, cloth’s don’t fit, face is Pulcinella red with white rings under eyes

6:00 a.m. IHOP (big steak omelet, fried potato’s w/ ranch to dip in, 3 piece French toast, coffee

6:34 a.m. choking a donkey in a bathroom

9:00 a.m. peanut butter and hoho sandwich (yes, Little Debbie HoHo’s)

12:00 p.m. Pizza Hut, Meat Lover’s large, cheese sticks (2 orders)

2:00 p.m. Finish Pizza Hut meal, oatmeal cream pies x2

6:00 p.m. 2-3 wheat beers, Buffalo Wild Wings (basket fries w/ ranch, 20 boneless wings w/ parmesan garlic, Cold Stone Peanut Butter Cup Perfection w/ extra peanut butter)

8:30 p.m. oatmeal cream pie x1 (wanna puke and die)

Day 4 – Meet day

6-8 a.m. left over cold pizza from Casey’s; I will have ordered this the night before without eating it, Gatorade, fruit throughout the meet as well as the pizza

Now I’ve done many varieties of this but this has all happened before. I usually want to die at this point, can’t tie my shoes without being out of breath, and can’t walk around without people asking, “are you okay?” Don’t know if you wanted this amount of detail but here you go.

There are a lot more toilet explosions than labeled!

Fillers to be consumed throughout each day: Pretzel mm’s, pretzels, chips, starbursts, popcorn, cheez it’s(a lot of these), chicken broth

The BIGGEST Bloat of ALL Time

 by Justin Harris as told to Dave Tate

Note from Author: I’ve personally used this one and have bloated up over 20 pounds each time. This is the plan I was given when I asked for his help to bloat up for a special occasion.

Dave,

Try this, 24-36 hours before the meet.

1/2 strength Gatorade at all times.  (Full strength has too high of an osmolality, will decrease your ability to eat...can make you feel bloated.  1/2 strength is the original formulation...)

Try to get at least 2 gallons of 1/2 strength Gatorade per day.

Try to eat 4 big meals with a TON of salt.  Try to keep the fat a bit lower if you can because the fat will slow digestion.

In between each meal, LOAD up on waxy maize with creatine and L-taurine.  Try to have 100g of waxy maize with a 1/2 teaspoon of salt and a scoop of anatrop each time.  Use as much water as you can.

For the meals...you can actually use Ramen noodles.  Two packs have over 100g of carbs, and a TON of sodium.  Add extra sodium in addition to the seasoning packets.  Add in as many salt and vinegar chips as you can eat with each meal. You can and should be eating these all day.

Try to get at least 36oz of 1/2 strength Gatorade with each meal.  Try to get at least 24oz of water mixed into the waxy maize.  And sip the 1/2 strength Gatorade the rest of the day.

Drink a big WM shake before bed.  When you wake up to pee, have another WM shake ready with 1/2 teaspoon of salt.  Have a handful of salt and vinegar chips with it.

If you wanted to amplify the rebound, you can use 1/2 strength dry shred (3 caps am and pm) for 3 days early in the week.  Stop this a full day before you start pigging out.  Also, lower sodium as low as you can for those 3 days.

That will shift vasopressin and aldosterone to tell your body to hold all water and all sodium.  So, when you start loading up, you will hold everything you put in.

If you can drink 3-4 gallons of fluid, you should be able to hold up to 25lbs of water.

Certainly not healthy...but fun. lol

- Justin

Now you are ready to kick off the holiday season. If you try any of these or have some of your own (after checking with you doctor) please post and let us know how it works out. If you post your own, let the readers know right then and there that you are not a doctor and they should check with theirs first. Unless of course the reader is a doctor to whom I’m sure is wondering what the hell is wrong with all of us right about now.

HAVE A HAPPY, SAFE, AND BLOATED HOLIDAY SEASON!