I have no idea when this was first posted in my training log, but it deserves to be a part of this new article site so here we go.......

Captain of the Cups

When I got home from training I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a glass of milk and 35 miniature Reeses Cups.

Yes, this was the whole bag.

Who in their right mind ever eats "a few?"

Don't get me started on this. It is bad enough I'm watching my weight and bought the mini version instead of the BIG CUPS.

The big cups are so much easier to unwrap and pound down, making them a far better choice for the serious bulker. But just in case you find yourself in the same bind...

Keep reading.

The only problem with the mini cups (and it's the exact same - if not worse for Starburst) is you can't unwrap the damn things fast enough. This wouldn't be so bad if they had carmel in them to increase chewing time, but being just chocolate and peanut butter, the chewing ratio is very low leaving a bit of down time between sets.

To combat this, you can try to super set these by jamming two in your month at one time. This is best if you put the backs of them together forming a <> shape, but you already know this right? While this is a good option and one I do suggest using because it ups the chewing ratio, allowing you to unwrap faster, but please remember you need to unwrap two. If you forget this and unwrap one, you'll begin a "staggered" set thing that just turns into a programing nightmare.

Another option is to "circuit" eat these. This one takes some prep and patience. Only those with anal programming skills can pull this off. To do this you unwrap the entire bag and set them all in front of you on the counter.

NOTE: If you have to sit down to do this then just give up. You are a lost cause. All aggressive eating sessions happen at the counter by the sink for easy access to water. If you ever feel sick of eating the same stuff then you need a quick rise of water. This is a skill I picked up at the dentist.

Before we go on I need to point something out.

If you line these all up in a row then you are a beginner lifter.

If you have any pattern other than a row you are an intermediate.

If you CAN'T unwrap them all without eating one you are an advanced lifter.

Now you see why this isn't the best option, but it'll work if you call someone to do this for you so that when you walk into the house, they're all ready to go. Kinda like when you would walk in the house and your mom would pull a nice tray of hot chocolate chips cookies all ready to eat out of the oven. The only difference is we're adults now and NOONE has the right to say "I made these for you baby, but you have to wait until after dinner."

WHAT?

Man, I hated that shit. I would also get hit with "Now, David, only two."

Only two!?!?

Are you freaking kidding me? There's a whole damn tray and if I eat them fast enough, my brother won't get any. Holy crap, I'm getting pissed just thinking about all this. This flashbacks is bringing back all kinds of memories like sneaking a Dr. Pepper outside so nobody would see...and drinking it as fast as I could, so I wouldn't get caught. I even had the perfect spot where the neighbors couldn't see. There were also times I would steal a dollar out of my Dad's wallet and walk six blocks to the store to buy a box of Ho Ho's. I would walk around to the back of the store, so none of my parents friends would see...and pound the entire box.

Man those were "good times"

As you can see we rarely had junk food in our house and I'm starting to think (based on this post) that this has scared me for life. Maybe this is why I'm so messed up in the head. Maybe this is the "root" of all the problems I've ever had in my life.

Okay, back to the real issue here. What the hell was it?

Oh, being the "Captain of the Cups."

If you want to master the game there's only one way to do it...

Look you can try tossing four to five in your month at one time. It'll work for a few sets and then you get "The Jaw Pump" and you're done. You can try stim, ice, trigger wheels and anything else but it won't help. The jaw pump is for real and takes time to rest. Time is what you do not have in situations like this.

Yes, you can get someone to unwrap them for you, but this is like getting people to shave your back. Once or twice is okay, but then you feel weird asking because who in the hell really wants to do this?

Now rest assured. If they can create this then I can help you master how to "crush the cups."

While most experts will focus on the muscles of the jaw and face, they're missing the boat. These wizards live on vegetable trays and wheat grass. They may know the game, but haven't been in the trenches with spilled milk on the shirt and chocolate on their chin. They've heard about the "jaw pump," but have never experienced it. Well maybe, but it sure as hell was not from eating.

Have they ever made the roof of their mouth bleed from eating fruit loops? I think NOT!

Listen, you have to place the focus elsewhere. The real secrete to "caressing the cups" is right at your finger tips.

Yes, it's your fingers that matter most. You have to be able to unwrap faster and with precision. You want proof?

Go rip open 10-15 of these and check under your fingernails. Do you see chocolate? If so then you FAILED.

Not only is this amateur level, but there may be a half calorie stuck under there. This is like bench pressing 399.9999 pounds. Hell, that half calorie could be the main difference between success and failure. Do you really want to be standing in second place and as the champion reaches out to shake your hand...notice a bit of chocolate under your nails? You will then know you could've done more. Can you live with knowing you didn't do all you could? Is this not what sport is all about? Maybe it should've been you reaching for his hand. It all comes down to skills.

I have been "crunching the cups" for some time now and can help you with your skills but want to make you an offer first.

Why should we be the only ones to "condone the cups?" Why should we share this great source of wealth when this is exactly what the world is waiting for?

Seriously this could be the difference between having it all or having nothing.

What I'd like to share with you is an opportunity to invest in this great secret. In a couple weeks I'll be launching the manual that will change the world.

This manual Championship Cups will be available for $599.95. Now, please remember that I have been "Cup Chomping" for many, many years and could charge 10 times this amount just based on my experience. This alone makes the price a value.

Check this out.

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What makes these even better is NONE of these people have read it. They're all going on hear-say and owe me a favor. All their names also begin with "R." This can only mean one thing, "Riches."

Now is that NOT cool? They believe in this so much that they stood behind it before they ever read it. That is two reasons to jump on this investment today!

Wanna make some cash?

Finally, if you act FAST we'll make you an affiliate, so you can also make money on Championship Cups. Yes, you can make money even if you don't like the material. Hey you may think Championship Cups is total shit and is way over-priced. But please remember this is jam packed with seven pages of hot-off-the-press material and you can make 50% off each sale. You don't even have to like it, or believe in it to make money. Pretty cool don't ya think?

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I almost forgot

Oh, one last thing. After you kill the bag of cups make sure to leave the little foil wrappers on the counter. You can try to roll them all in a huge ball. I know the temptation is there to do this, but this is also a huge beginner mistake. Those in the know realize this won't work very well because of the wax-type film on the paper.

You want to leave them there so you can see your victory each time you enter the kitchen. Plus it will PISS off who ever you live with because you didn't leave any for them.

NOTE: PLEASE READ

For all those who really think this is real you need to seriously see a doctor or therapist because you seriously have a problem, but before you do click here and pick up some new gear so you look good going in for your nice long vacation in the padded room.