In parts one and two of this series, I told the story of how I went from never wanting to use steroids, to having to go on hormone replacement therapy, to deciding to step that up and do further experiments with steroids. In part three I am going to take a little detour to talk about some of my issues I dealt with during this time, how these issues affect me, and if any of these issues were affected by what I was taking.
By now most people already know I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II and narcolepsy. Personally, I am not totally sold on these diagnoses. From my studies, it seems the medical community can't say with any real certainty. Bad enough sleep can cause symptoms of all kinds of mental disorders and most mental disorders can cause sleep issues. Which is the cause and which is the effect? Either way, I do suffer from severe sleep problems and very severe depression at times. I can also be full of energy and the most positive man you have ever come across. Most of my life I have just dealt with milder versions of these issues and thought everyone was this way. It was not until I really began to push my body to its limits with powerlifting that things got extremely bad, at which point I began to see I had some problems. Everything kept progressing and I hit my lowest point with sleep issues, depression, and suicidal thoughts around 2008 or 2009. It was a horrible time for me, and some days I still can't believe I made it through all that.
My sleep issues started in fifth grade, but like I said, I never really realized it. I just dealt with it thinking I needed to toughen up. It was not until I hit around 330 pounds bodyweight for powerlifting that I really realized I had problems with sleep. At this point it had gotten so bad I could fall asleep at a stop sign. Halfway through my first sleep study in 2003 I was put on a CPAP because I had developed apnea, probably because of my added size. The continued sleep studies showed that I did not get any stage three or four delta sleep and my sleep patterns were beyond chaotic. The CPAP definitely helped my sleep but it was still bad.
True to my form, I began doing my own research on my sleep studies. I also pushed the doctors to keep looking at them and to find some answers. I began to remember my struggles as a kid, never being able to stay awake in class and even falling asleep working with patients at my job in college. I had to force myself to stay busy to stay awake. I also realized that in my twenties I would have to sleep in really late at least every other weekend or my life would go to shit. I would get migraine headaches with serious sensitivity to light and noise. My temper would elevate and my patience would get even shorter. I realize now I would even began to suffer from depression. Back then, I just accepted that I had to keep my Sunday mornings clear on the weekends to sleep in late. I never gave it much more thought than that. As I kept pushing the doctors, they finally diagnosed me with narcolepsy through various tests. Currently I am still on my CPAP and a concoction of sleep medications that help some. My sleep is still far from normal.
I started using steroids in 2005, so I had already been on a CPAP and working on my sleep for a couple of years by that time. It is worth mentioning that getting my sleep even a little better gave me a big boost in size and strength. I suspect this was mostly just because I recovered a bit better. When I started my injectable testosterone for my HRT in 2004, it did give me a little improvement in my sleep. That bump was short-lived and I began to slide even worse after that. It was in 2006 that I had my worst run of sleep. I was awake for somewhere between 10 and 14 days. It is hard to remember exactly because I was pretty messed up at the time. For a few years during that time I would often be up for up to four days straight and just the sight of a bed would give me anxiety. I was also on seriously heavy duty and high dosed sleep medications that would do little or nothing to me. I was even trying illegal medications such as GHB (the date rape drug). At one point I worked up to 14 grams of it and stayed up all night watching TV. This is enough to kill two people. At that time nothing worked much at all, but I was chasing the all-time total and kind of blind to my health or wellbeing.
RELATED: The S Word — When My Perspective Changed
My depression or bipolar disorder is also something I have dealt with as long as I can remember. Like my sleep, it was not until it got bad that I realized it was a problem. I just thought everyone dealt with this stuff and I needed to get better at it. It seems like my whole life I have had what you could call an obsession with suicide — not that I was would attempt it, but it was just in my head.
I would get pretty depressed at times. That made it hard to find anything positive, but thoughts of suicide would help keep everything at bay. It probably sounds completely insane but it brought me some kind of comfort. Thinking about it and using my skills at visualization gave me the ability to deal with it and eventually keep moving on. It was not until those years around 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010 that I really got bad. I went through a lot of extremely horrible times back then. There were times I would train with my team and not say one word for fear of busting out in tears if I opened my mouth. I would go train until I was in so much physical pain I could hardly stand it because it felt better than the mental pain I was in. I am a bad introvert but I was even worse then. I would go months without seeing anyone except at work (where I would not talk unless absolutely necessary) and the gym. The suicidal thoughts went from just mental to physical. I have lots of really bad memories but I made it through. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
My issues have improved greatly since hitting my lowest point. It has taken a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice and I still have a lot more ahead of me to get where I want to be. Needless to say, even though it is greatly improved, I still sometimes really struggle and I am still working on getting better.
About a year ago I took a major step backward. I went off all of my medication and even my HRT. I really felt like I needed to find some kind of neutral in order to better know what medications were actually working and how they were affecting me. This sucked me down pretty fast and was beyond miserable, but I stayed that way for a few months. It gave me a much better understanding of how different medications helped or did nothing. It helped me weed out some things and gave me a chance to try increasing some other ones. Once I started taking them again, I was able to bring them in on an individual basis and build up from there. I also spent a lot of time analyzing my life and the course of my disorders. I am not a doctor but I have done a ton of research over the years. It seems to me that sometimes it is the experience that give us the most knowledge. All these things were incredibly difficult, but so was all the work to become a top powerlifter. I have never feared hard work.
The biggest thing I learned taking that break from my medications is that it is all intertwined and there are no simple answers. There are so many factors to consider. If I am bipolar, it is a disorder that will get worse if not controlled, and every time you let it get out of hand, you are doing permanent damage to yourself.
So was my progression with this disorder just its natural course? I do not believe it was; I think I have a lot of responsibility for its progression. One could say, “Well you got worse after you started steroids.” If that person believes all the bullshit in the media, it gives that idea more validity. I have thought a lot about this and it is far from the truth. In fact, I think taking them delayed the onset of the worst of it.
I truly believe there were a number of factors that created a perfect storm in my case. My sleep issues were always bad, and looking back, always wreaked havoc with my recovery. Don't forget I was not just training or a powerlifter. This was my life and my complete focus. I asked my mind and body to give me everything. I was pushing myself as hard as I possibly could. I kept getting bigger and bigger as I got stronger and stronger.
I hit 397 pounds at one point and it was too much. Even my strength took a hit, so I dropped back to 385 where I began gaining strength again. Looking back, I was not paying enough attention to my recovery. By the time I did, I was already so past the limit that I never gave myself a chance to get back to a neutral. My body just never had a chance to catch up. My depression was making my sleep worse. My bad sleep was making my depression worse. The depression was making the suicidal stuff worse. The suicidal stuff was exhausting an already exhausted body and mind. It was like everything was folding in on itself. All of this was going on while I also had natural low test (or my body not being able to keep up with the demand) and that adding to the sleep and depression problems. I was an eight-penny nail being driven in with a sledgehammer.
When I did start back on my medications, one of the first things I started with was test. I really wanted to know what effect it had. It was amazing, and other than the sleep medications, was one of the best things I have found so far. I started back with my normal dose. I took time there before increasing it, and with each increase I gave it time in order to really see the effects. Funny enough, somewhere around double or triple my prescription dose felt the best. Going higher did not increase the positive effects on my general wellbeing.
Since then, I have tried dropping it again to prescription dose and the positive effects begin to decrease some. So for now I am staying at the dose that makes me feel the best, between double and triple. It helps keep me more level mentally and I still believe helps with my sleep some. Making some improvements in my issues has given me even more perspective, and in hindsight I still feel pushing as hard as I did with not enough regard for recovery of my whole system caused the worst of it. I was basically sinking further and further down the rabbit hole over a long period of time and it finally caught up with me.
This makes me believe steroids did not have any negative effect on my disorders. In fact, the way testosterone helps me now really makes me wonder what would have happened if I had gone on earlier. Maybe it could have helped my body, mind, and spirit keep up with all I was asking from it. Still, I made a lot of mistakes that I could have and would improve on if I were able to start over. I think that would have changed the course of things for me and would have helped me achieve even more in the sport of powerlifting. I know I can’t change the past but I can damn well learn from it!
The S Word Articles Series
Final Part Coming Soon
Steroid Policy
Public health officials have concluded that possible serious health problems exist that are associated with the misuse and/or abuse of performance enhancing drugs, including anabolic steroids. All athletes should rely on these messages in making all performance and health-related decisions.
EliteFTS believes that all athletes should be guided by the conclusions of health officials and medical professionals regarding the health effects of performance enhancing drugs, including anabolic steroids, when deciding whether or not to incorporate these substance in their training regimens.
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