I had just settled in for a night of relaxing in my big, giant chair for an evening of TV watching last night. I had my busted ass foot in an hot Epsom salt bath, my stim unit was working my deltoid over and I had a huge bag of Costco extra salty potato chips in my lap and crumbs in my chest hair. It was quite a sexy sight. It is no wonder why my wife is so sexually attracted to me. I flick on my TV and a movie I never heard of was just starting on HBO. Before I had a chance to turn it off, I see the opening scene was a bunch of teenage girls competing in a powerlifting meet. I certainly couldn't turn that off, mainly because I wanted to see how lame it was. But it surprised me because it wasn’t your usual cheesy fake-looking lifting like you see in a lot of movies. It was actually legit looking, technically well done and the competition scenes were obviously shot at a real meet. The movie was called ‘All She Can’, the story of a Mexican-American high school senior in some broke-ass looking Texas town with a dream to win states to get a college powerlifting scholarship and actually make something of her wretched life. Wait, does a powerlifting scholarship even exist? Okay, whatever, on with the story...
In typical Hollywood style, the story takes a dark turn. The girl has three weeks till the big state meet and is a few pounds shy of her main rival and throws caution to the wind as she turns to the evil steroids! Within days of taking one CC of whatever the shady Mexican sold her out of his dirty trailer she goes haywire. In less than a week she’s roid-raging all over the place, weighs in too heavy to compete, gets thrown out of school, the scholarship slips through her fingers and her life is in the shitter!
If Hollywood has taught us one thing in B-level, made for TV, after-school specials like ‘Finish Line’ starring Josh Brolin and Mariska Hargitay and ‘A Body To Die For’ starring Ben Affleck it is that it only takes less than one mild cycle of anabolics to turn you into a homicidal, suicidal maniac. Really? Is middle America actually buying that?
I know the movie makers are just trying to illustrate the dangers of these drugs to the kids out there but holy Jeebus these movies are ridiculous with that time line a bit. These lame scare tactics are reminiscent of the ridiculous 1936 cult classic ‘Reefer Madness’ in which the movie makers try to scare the public by showing seemingly normal citizens smoking one joint and literally going insane to the point of having to be put in an asylum.
Not that I’m condoning drug use in any way but if you want a good laugh try to check one of these movies out, if you can find them.
Fun Fact: the steroid dealing college shot-putter who deals roids to Josh Brolin in the movie ‘Finish Line’ is an old Highland games buddy of mine named Chris Rusher.