To tell this story, I have to go back a few months, back to when I first started posting my Steve’s Selfie Strength Tip videos on YouTube. I had been getting some good feedback on them from various muscle heads (which was to be expected), but then I received one email that was different. It was from a woman named Teresa Lancaster. She worked at a company in Iowa farm country called Hagie Manufacturing that makes these giant farm spraying vehicles. Teresa and the CEO, Alan Hagie, were searching YouTube one day for a video to show at a meeting that focused on stepping out of your comfort zone. They stumbled on one of my silly videos on that very same subject, and from what Teresa tells me, they both just became big fans of my work (if you can call it that).
As the weeks went on, Teresa kept in contact with me and then told me that they started showing my profanity-laced videos to other people within the company at various meetings including their big monthly meetings with the whole staff. After a few months of this, the people at Hagie asked if I would fly out to make a personal appearance and be a speaker at the next monthly meeting. This gig would be the first non-strength oriented thing like this that I had ever done, so right away I knew it would be a huge challenge for me. I was excited by the opportunity to branch out and expand my public speaking repertoire because the last time I spoke at elitefts™, I ended up drawing a vagina on the whiteboard (to some acclaim I might add). I didn’t hesitate to accept the offer, and the date was set.
I had about six weeks or so to get my shit together and come up with an outline for the presentation. Of course, I did it all the day before I left for Iowa. My assistant, Pepper Potts, convinced me that a PowerPoint presentation was the classy thing to do, but doing anything like that is so far out of my limited realm of abilities that she had to do it all for me, which is pretty much like everything else here at Iron Sport Industries. I had the outline, but I figured I would just wing the actual details once I got on stage like I always do. What could possibly go wrong?
I was to fly out on Thursday, speak on Friday, and come back on Saturday. That Wednesday I was practicing some Highland games throwing with a girl I coach and thought I just pulled a hamstring. Unfortunately, as the days went on, the damn thing turned into a purple blob that used to be my leg. I’m just waiting for my balls to turn black and fall off.
So I had that pain in the ass to deal with for the entire trip. Sitting on the plane with a swollen knot at the top of my hamstring near my lower glute was hell. I couldn’t even put my shoe and sock on by myself. Even just sitting in a soft chair was really painful, but I soldiered on. I figure I might have four to six weeks when I won’t be doing any leg work.
On Thursday, I flew from Philly to Minneapolis, but when I arrived, my connecting flight into Iowa was all screwed up. I told my girl Teresa at Hagie and she arranged to have their company plane pick me up there rather than me getting in too late. That was cool. Their pilot picked me up in a turbo prop Piper Meridian and made the one-hour flight into the nation’s smallest airport, Clarion Iowa. Teresa, my faithful sidekick, was there waiting for me and away we went.
Don't hate because I was on the highway to the danger zone and you weren't.
When I got into the car, she explained to me that only a few people in the company knew that I was coming and it was to be a total surprise to everyone else that I would be there live and in person. Hagie really rolled out the red carpet for me and had a lot of activities lined up to entertain me. I thought that this was more than awesome. Teresa took me to the bed and breakfast where I would be staying. It was a very rustic looking cabin on the second floor of a garage next to the main house.
My room overlooked a beautiful lake and had all the comforts of home including a groovy hi-fi set complete with a turntable and double tape deck in case I wanted to make a kick ass mix tape while I was there. I realized that this whole set up over the garage with the room overlooking a lake looked very much like the situation Dalton had rented from the old farmer in Roadhouse. Every time I looked across that lake, I could almost see old Brad Wesley scheming against the Double Deuce with his cheesy henchmen. It almost made me want to bust out some shirtless Tai Chi out by the lake...but not quite.
Damn you, Brad Wesley!
When we finished up there, we drove out to another co-worker's place where company CEO Alan Hagie and many of the senior executives were waiting for us with a freaking arsenal of weapons to shoot. These Iowa boys are pretty serious about their guns (as you can see by this hand cannon I fell in love with). We popped off a lot of rounds with an AR-15, an AK-47, and a few hand guns and shot some clay pigeons. It was all topped off by the owner of the property shooting a bowling ball into a low earth orbit with a homemade black powder cannon. I don’t know where that ball landed, but I know that it isn't coming back. This was redneck fun at its finest.
The next day I woke up to a nice country breakfast served up by the owners of the bed and breakfast. I just can’t say enough about how nice all the folks out there treated me. Everyone was awesome. Teresa had to keep me under wraps until it was time for me to talk, so she had some interesting stuff planned. The first thing we did was go on a ride along on one of the farm sprayers that Hagie manufactures. A guy named Newt drove me along the road in this big contraption that looked like the ‘Imperial All-Terrain Armored Transport’ vehicles from Return of the Jedi. We sprayed some weed killer on a couple dozen acres of corn, and Newt schooled me in how it all worked. These modern farm vehicles are all computer and GPS controlled. They're very high tech and capable. I was truly impressed at how easy he made it all look and how much one man could get done with one of these machines.
Teresa wanted to give me the full farming experience and thought it would be funny if I artificially inseminated a cow. Now, I've never done this before, but I have seen it on television. If you don’t know how it’s done, I won’t explain it, so just go to YouTube and see it for yourself. We drove out to two different farms but no luck. I guess all the cows had already gotten lucky that week. After kicking around all morning, it was time for us to get to the venue for the meeting. Not only were they going to spring a surprise visit from Stevey P. that day, but they were also revealing the new meeting room they had just built in the new wing of their factory.
The new room seated about three hundred people and featured a fully stocked Tiki bar with pool tables and other games. Hagie has these monthly staff meetings where everyone in the company gets to cut out of work at around 2:00 p.m. and listen to people speak. They give away various awards, make announcements, greet new employees, and listen to the COO talk about the sales figures. It was actually very entertaining and fun. Afterward, they all get to eat, drink, and have fun all for free, which I thought was very cool.
I watched all the Hagie workers file in. I wanted to assess my audience a little, and I was pleasantly surprised. Not one person in the entire company wore a suit! It's such a laid back "just get the job done" kind of place that not even the CEO or executives dress any differently than the welders. Again, I was very impressed and it made it a lot less intimidating to get up there on stage and speak to all of them. I was wondering the entire time though if any of them had any idea who the hell I was when they announced me.
When it was finally my time to speak and they announced my name, the hair on my arms stood on end as the entire room erupted with applause and people yelled “STEVEY PEEEEEE!” Wow, it was amazing. They must be really starved for entertainment out there in Iowa. I jumped up there and got right to it. Something just automatically comes over me when you give me a stage and an audience. It wasn’t as much a motivational speech as it was a bunch of funny stories and a lot of insults.
I can’t even remember what I said because it was all just coming out so fast, but here are a few things I kind of remember saying:
- “This morning they wanted me to artificially inseminate a cow, but because we're in Iowa, we couldn’t find a cow that wasn’t already being fisted.”
- Directed to the CEO’s wife: “Did you hear those sales numbers? Your husband is a freaking genius! It must be intimidating knowing that you're with a man who is so rich and powerful, he could literally have you killed and get away with it.”
- After my PowerPoint file got screwed up, I walked over to the IT guy who was running two laptops at the time controlling it and said, “Yo dude, are you sure you know what you're doing? Are these really computers you have here or are you playing with a freaking LiteBrite and an Etch-a-Sketch?”
All I know is that the louder they laughed, the more I poured it on. I think I also had some actual motivational messages in there somewhere, but I don’t even remember because it was all a blur. My running theme when I do any kind of public speaking is to make the audience laugh and make the people who actually hired me cringe. I definitely accomplished that. I finished up and everyone there said it was good, so I hope I did OK.
Afterward, I hung out, ate, drank, and talked with as many of the employees as I could. I shook hands, took pictures with people, and had a great time. I was truly impressed with this company on so many levels. The way they treat their employees is second to none, and the product that they put out is the highest quality you'll find anywhere. It’s a great thing to see Americans make an American product that they can truly be proud of. If anyone out there wants a motivational speaker, just contact me and I’ll fly out and put on a show you’ll never forget!
