Recently, I received an email from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Tina. As a matter of fact, she was my very first little girlfriend when we were kids and the first girl I ever kissed.
I know what you’re thinking—“That Stevey P was always a big baller.” We still talk on a weekly basis and have always been the best of friends.
Tina was telling me about her concern with a kid who was taking her daughter to the prom. She didn’t really know the guy, and because Tina is single and doesn't have a man in her life, she asked me to stop by the house to “meet” this young fellow. Of course, I jumped at the chance to scare this horny little bastard.
Here's a picture of me and Tina at age 14 in 1980 and again at 47. I haven’t changed much at all, huh?
I dropped by their house, and Tina’s daughter looked like a little princess. She is so sweet and beautiful. Because I've known this kid since she was a baby and have two beautiful daughters of my own, my daddy protective instincts immediately took over. I was thinking to myself, “This kid had better impress the hell out of me when he shows up or I’m throwing him the hell out.”
The fact that he was late to the point of making her panic didn’t score him any points with Uncle Steve. He finally showed up though. He had been driven there by some of his buddies.
He approached the house and stood at the bottom of the front steps. He nervously looked up at the glass front door and saw “Uncle Steve” standing inside the house, completely filling up the doorway with muscles and awesomeness, waiting for him. The next thing I noticed was that he seemed to be of unknown ethic origin, possibly Iranian. I later found out that he is from Afghanistan. Hmm...OK, Steve, just keep an open mind here. Maybe he’s one of the “good ones.” Yeah, he'd better be!
This is me cock blocking a prom picture as only I can.
He mustered up his courage and walked up the steps. I opened the door and just said. “You’re late!” He just kept looking back at the car, which was full of his buddies who had dropped him off, as if to say, “Yo, guys, don’t leave me here.” They wanted no parts of Uncle Steve and just took off.
After staring this kid down for a while and taking a few pictures, my job was done. I warned him to be a good little boy and have fun and I went back to work. So if anyone else out there needs my services, just give me a call. I’ll stop over your house on prom night and look menacing on demand.
