I hear the question all the time "Why don't you want to be massive anymore?" I know it seems glamorous. Women love a man who can't tie his own shoes. Or maybe that's just me because I have mad game. That's neither here nor there though.

Your charming narrator was not always the Supple Rhino you see now. At my grandest, I was 329 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. That's definitely maximum density for someone who is 5'8" on a good day. Hey, that's tall if I lived in Indonesia, but I digress. So at that girth, it was not really easy to get around. In fact, the things you all take for granted, were pretty difficult for yours truly.

One of the basic necessities of life that is not discussed in polite conversation is going potty. Yep, we all do it, but it's an easier task for some than others. Hmmm, how can I put this delicately. At my size, limb length was not advantageous for clean up duty. I often had to stand and wedge my arm precariously against something to twist and get the correct angle.

In my day I loosened quite a few handicapped rails, sinks, hand dryers, etc. It just depended on the bathroom and what was available. I always liked those single bathrooms, a complete luxury for such a task. The worst, the dreaded multiple stall. Sometimes I barely fit in at all. No stall should be so narrow you have to butter up your shoulders to get in.

The most interesting endeavor happened in one of those multiple stall bathrooms. We all know why I was there. Upon completion of the task, it was time for the dreaded clean up. So I stood and wedged my arm against the wall. Then to my surprise, the wall collapsed into the next stall. Fortunately I kept my balance. I had a really good center of gravity back then.

The story would have been so much better had someone been in the next stall, but there wasn't. Now that would be quite a shocker for an unsuspecting defecator. Anyway, I turned around and leaned against the other wall to test my luck. Fortunately it held up and I completed the job.

I can't help but wonder what the owner must have thought. Like, "Why would someone knock a stall wall over?" Or perhaps he remembers the sweaty guy trying to inconspicuously leave with the dumb grin on his face. Regardless, it's just one of many Tales From the Big Files.