LIFTING:
I have basically decided that I openly admit to not knowing a damn thing about what I'm doing these days. Sometimes I go to the gym, sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just do nothing at all. I'm not particularly mad about the chaos that really makes no sense. I would really love to hire a coach, but considering I can't squat or deadlift still, should I even do that? Is it worth it? I have no idea honestly, but I am thinking it's best to wait until I get some legitimate relief.
I start PT again this Thursday and it's going to be quite different than the PT I was doing before, much more focused on the soft tissue and doing things like ultrasound and using some kind of steroid cream...I really don't know. You see, I went and saw a new orthopedic doctor two weeks ago. I think I'm in good hands. If this PT regimine doesn't give me improvement within the month, then we will move to me seeing a physiatrist and potentially getting injections of some sort. The way I look at it, either way within a month or two I SHOULD have some relief, and that makes me excited. I want to have a purpose to my training, I'm just not sure what that purpose will be. And when I say purpose, I really just mean like a plan, whether to get stronger or to just work on my physique. But the more I think about lifting, I can't imagine training with heavy weights any time soon, so perhaps a bodybuilding style training mixed with someone really dialing in my diet and working with me, and then kind of go from there. Only time will tell. What a roller coaster this whole back injury/glute/whatever this has been.
LIFE:
I have my days, but overall I would say I am in a really awesome state of mind and I'm so ready to focus on my self growth and being the absolute best me that I can be, physically and mentally. I've stayed "stuck" in situations for far longer than I ever needed to be, and now I am un-stuck.
I've seen people post some things recently (specifically men) surrounding women being single and miserable or implying that being single is a bad thing. IMO being single is the most freeing thing I can think of. To literally be free of all things, to work on yourself and focus on being the best you that you can be. I will settle for single any day of the week, rather than settle for a mediocre love or relationship that does not set my soul on fire. Cannot express to you how damn good it feels to know that I am strong enough and sure enough of myself to never let myself fall into a situation that does not bring good into my life. I encourage all women to find themselves; really know yourself and what you want and live by the words that you speak. The advice you speak to your friends and the values and morals you set for yourself, stick to those. It is so easy to say you believe in one thing or you are a certain way, and the next day turn around and do something that contradicts your statement. Who holds you accountable? The answer is you, you are the only person who can hold yourself accountable for that. And let me tell you, living by and having my actions match my words is the most empowering thing I have experienced thus far.
This me. The version of me that I have spent 6 months building. This is the woman I always said I was, but never had the balls to put in the work and become. Sure of myself and what I want, not giving a damn about fitting in or being "part of", confident, loving, vulnerable but yet strong in a way that I cannot describe, and while some days I feel broken and loss within the depths of my soul, I am here. We all have struggles, some keep theirs silent. I was talking to a friend who seems rather heartbroken after suffering a loss - I can relate. And what I told her is the same mantra I speak to myself every morning. You've got to pick yourself up and keep moving. This pain is not forever. You deserve good. If someone does not see the good that you bring to this world, and they do not feel so compelled to snatch you up and make you theirs, then they are not for you. If you show someone all of the good parts of you and they want nothing of you, let them go.
Now that I'm done rambling about life and love....
I finally cut back my part time job hours from 15 to 8, so I will work Monday-Wednesday evenings and have the rest off...less madness on that end, thank goodness. I was starting to really struggle with all of the extra hours. 15 occupied my time when I needed it, and now I need some more time to myself, more time to grow, more time with friends, more time to experience life and enjoy things again. It's spring, and almost 1 year exactly from when chaos ensued and my life literally went to shit, but the dust has settled and the fog has lifted. I see brighter days, I see all things good, and I am going to snatch up every positive opportunity I can get my hands on. I am excited for life.