Crazy, crazy couple of months.
And this log is a little bit scary for me to post, so bear with me.
Between divorce, starting from scratch, apartment hunting, jiujitsu, powerlifting, work, friends, dogs, and family, it's a wonder I have any time to do anything else.
Like sleeping. Oh! And eating.
But experience is a fine teacher, and it's through the trying times that we learn to appreciate our low-key moments. A year ago I would have never anticipated ending up where I am now, but I certainly wouldn't change it. I have grown a lot over the last couple of months. In fact, I think in spite of my rather colorful past and all things I have been through, this has to have been my most life-shaping year so far, and it's not even over yet.
The biggest difference between this year and others would have to be my decision-making process. In the past I would have just taken the "safe" route with the least amount of hurt and consequence. But this year has been different. I have gone out on a limb with everything over the last eight months. Everything has been a gamble, and being forced to make difficult decisions has helped me to develop into a stronger, more independent person.
I think for a long time I just took myself for granted. I didn't believe in my own worth or my own happiness, and I hid behind powerlifting to escape how weak and powerless I really felt.
In fact, ever since I began lifting I traded in one form of insecurity for the next. I hid behind "fitness" to disguise my disordered eating habits. I hid behind competing and "healthy eating" to disguise my anorexia/bulimia. I hid behind powerlifting to disguise my lack of control and self-confidence. I tried to control my life-long battle with anxiety, depression, and PTSD through obsession after obsession. Things that would make me look stronger than I actually was. Because if you look strong, you must be strong...right?
There was a void that I felt in myself for as long as I can remember and I tried to fill it with anything I could think of. Competing, alcohol, frivolous spending, drugs, eating, sleeping, whatever. When I realized that the things I was using to mask my unhappiness were destructive, I tried to take a positive turn. I went to therapy, I read self-help books, I took medication, I talked to people, I meditated, I tried to develop new hobbies...nothing helped me fill that space. I was still empty.
It wasn't until earlier this year that I truly came to terms with the cycle that I was putting myself through. I realized that I needed to stop hiding. That I could no longer put a blanket over a pot hole in hopes that it would stop me from falling through. I realized that the things I was using to fill the hole in my heart were things that vanished when I touched them. Because at the end of the day, what do we really have? Our family. Ourselves. Not much else. And those were the things I was neglecting the most.
I asked myself if I took away everything that I used to define who I am, would I be lost?
Who am I, really?
And just like Rose, I decided I needed to let go. It's sink or swim. I needed to let go of everything that I thought I was supposed to be. Everything I thought that I was supposed to be doing. I let go of every person's perception of me, and every expectation they may have had of me. I realized that the only way to heal myself was to heal my true self. My raw self. The part of me that has zero attachment to anything or anyone outside of my own being.
Maybe this is getting a little deep. For the sake of preventing my makeup from running, I'll backtrack a bit.
I am not disappointed with anything that has happened to me over the past few months. I am not upset or disappointed that I haven't been training as much, or that I am not as physically strong as I was in the beginning of the year.
I am not upset or disappointed that I wasn't who I thought I was, or who I made myself out to be.
I am not upset or disappointed because I am actually stronger than ever.
I am excited - truly excited - about my life for the very first time. What does that feel like, you say? Well, it feels like freedom. It feels like clean sheets and a house made entirely of donuts. It feels like being in love, and it feels like fresh air.
I still battle with a lot of the things I have mentioned, and they will never be 100% gone. No demons truly are. But my grappling skills are improving, and I'm not a quitter. Some of us may have come from dark places, but looking for the light is up to you. Just don't give up on the hope that things will get better, and you will discover your purpose.
I have been through a lot of things that the average early-20-something-year-old shouldn't have had to go through. But I will never again allow myself to welcome pity. I will never again use my past experiences as an excuse for my behavior or my circumstances. The past was then, and today is now. That's all that matters. I have realized my worth and regained my dignity. No one will take these things from me ever again.
Strength takes on many different forms. I never really lost any in the first place.
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